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RtP's 10 Craven Predictions for the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies

As opposed to being bold, I will cower. What lies in store for the 2013 Philadelphia Phillies? I predict...pain.

My prediction hut.
My prediction hut.
Stu Forster

Here are my ten, stream-of-consciousness predictions. There may be more than 10. I really wanted to do a classy slideshow with this, but Liz was all like "Totally not. Totally. Not." Who made her boss, anyway?

Starting time: 5:02, April 3, 2013.

  1. Sucking. Followed by an exciting run, then more sucking, heart-breaking, and one last exciting run.
  2. Playoffs will occur in Philadelphia in MLB in 2013.
  3. Domonic Brown will become a Phillies fixture, assuming his rightful place at the throne and hitting at least 25 home runs.
  4. Ben Revere will hit 25 fewer home runs than Domonic Brown.
  5. Game of Thrones will be spectacular.
  6. Freddy Galvis will turn into a 2.0 WAR player, filling in as-needed, but ultimately full timing for a broken Utley.
  7. Ben Revere will be kidnapped by Hobbits.
  8. Adam Morgan will arrive, stay, and set all our hearts aflutter.
  9. Another young pitching prospect will arrive on the scene and be surprisingly not awful. Perhaps Jon Pettibone.
  10. John Lannan will be harpooned on the last day of the season by Chase Utley, who will drag him to the bottom of the sea, lashing him to Delmon Young.
  11. Delmon Young will explode on the first dollar dog night.
  12. The Red Phanatic will be vaporized by the Phanatic's mother using a modified T shirt cannon.
  13. Michael Young will commit more errors than Chase Utley hits home runs.
  14. We will all come to enjoy Kevin Frandsen's defense in a much deeper way than we did previously.
  15. Charlie Manuel will not be retained for another year, but will stay through the end of this year.
  16. Cliff Lee will unify Newtonian and Quantum physics with an elegant and simple formula written on the palm of his glove between innings.
  17. Chase Utley will break before the end of the year. Prediction 17.5 is that he will go to an AL team over the winter and be a nice DH who plays in the field once in a while. Sort of a Michael Young who doesn't suck.
  18. Roy Halladay will retire or be released or be permanently (season-wise) DL-ed before the All-Star Break.
  19. Carlos Ruiz will not be retained, and he will open up a food truck in Panama with Jonathan Broxton.
  20. Cole Hamels will create from the power of his mind a new form of collective machine consciousness that will protect the Delaware Valley from an army of Chipper Jones Twittering androids. I-95 and mounds of burning tires will save civilization here so that the earth can be repopulated with unicorns, backpack dogs, and Pat Burrell's bastards.
  21. I will drink 532 beers during Phillies games this year. Count along with me on
  22. I will get the score wrong in at least 2 recaps, proving yet again my weakestlinkiness.
  23. TGP will find at least 3 new, excellent writers during the year from the commentariat and the pressgang operations trolling local twelve step meetings and community corrections centers.

So there you are. Ten predictions. 5:21 p.m.