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Phillies Call Up Michael Martinez: A roster meeting transcript

By now most know that Michael Martinez will be taking Chase Utleys roster spot. What we don't know is why they chose him over others, and how that decision came to be. That is, until now. An exclusive look at the conversation that led to the move.

Michael Martinez. playing his own brand of ass ball. which is just baseball when hes on the field. Cause he sucks ass.
Michael Martinez. playing his own brand of ass ball. which is just baseball when hes on the field. Cause he sucks ass.
Hannah Foslien

INT: Amaro's office. Ruben twirls a pencil in his finger, while leaning back in his chair. he's on the phone.

Rube: Ned, you do what you gotta do, I'll do what I gotta do but I can't make that move with Utley out right now. .... But don't do anything with Ethier without calling me, got it?

Charlie, Dubee, Proefrock and Sandberg enter.

Rube: I gotta go. let's talk next week....

Ruben hangs up. looks at the guys...

Rube: So Stutesy is up, we gotta talk about Chase.

Charlie: Like, I don't know Rube, like, he's gonna take a lil bit with this one, those obleats like, dang man, they linger.

Rube: You gonna play Freddy?

Charlie: Yeah, he's squarin up good, got a groove goin, little bastard can field like something, ain't seein how no one else makes no sense everyday.

Rube: I agree. so the question is who takes Utleys spot on the bench?

Proefrock: Well, off the 40 it's Hernandez, Ruf, Collier or Gillies.

Charlie: Whats Hernandez do?

Proefrock: Purely a second baseman

Charlie: Nope. that don't make no sense. Not if Freddy gonna play second.

Rube: You want a bat more than a glove?

Charlie: I want someone who's gonna hit the damn ball and catch the damn ball, and not get out, and like, make something happen some.

Rube: So what about Ruf? He can DH against Boston?

Charlie: Then I gotta play Delmon in RF in Boston. He's my damn DH. I'm not sitting Piece. He's close man, and Delmons gonna get it going more he's got that swing in tune, like, good. I play Ruf, he gotta go to Left, Brownie in right, that just messes the mojo too much. Sides, hes a Righty.

Rube: Good points. Mayberry in the OF, Delmon at DH then?

Charlie: Yup. and we need a lefty bat if Galvis is in there every day anyway.

Ruben: I'm working on that. but short term then?

Dubee: Who bats LH down there Professor?

Scott: On the 40 man? Collier and Gillies but they're both at Reading and neither is hitting above .250.

Charlie: then why the hell they on the 40 man?

Ruben: Has to do with service time.

Charlie: So, cause they sucked longer than most kids they get to be on the roster?

Ruben: Basically, yes.

Charlie: Either of em play infield?

Rube: No. I don't understand. Why do you need an infielder? You've got Young, and Frandsen, and Galvis and Jimmy... they all play everywhere except Jimmy...

Charlie: And they all gonna be playing sept fer one! What happens like, when, I pinch hit Frandsey, and like, Jimmy tweaks his calf in the 11th inning? I shift Freddy to SS, but who plays second then?

Dubee: I know! YOUNG!

Charlie: Then who's on third?

Dubee: What?

Charlie: Young shifts to second, who plays third?

Dubee: Mayberry in a pinch?

Charlie: If Frandsen pinch hit, I either gotta save Mayberry, or I already hit him, or he's in RF in Boston, and Delmon at DH... I got NO BACKUP!!

Dubee: Good point.

Sandberg: Uh, Charlie what are the chances of that happening?

Charlie stops. he turns to Ryne. If looks could Kill, Ryne Sandberg would would be oozing blood from his eyes. Charlie speaks.. slowly at first, then with authority.

Charlie: What are the chances? Like, prolly a lot higher than the chances Imma RETIRE AFTER THIS YEAR!. That's fer damn sure! How many big league games you manage, Ryne? Huh? How you know how much like somethin gonna happen? Like I'm some mind-gician? I'll tell you what I do know. I know you gotta be prepared for everything, and if we ain't got a back up we ain't prepared!

Sandberg, back in the corner, stares at his clipboard, looks at his watch,and rolls his eyes.

Ruben: Ryne, what are your thoughts here?

Sandberg: I defer to Charlie here. he's the boss, and I just hope to learn from him.

Ruben: You think we need an infielder?

Sandberg: I think we need a lot of things.

Charlie: whats that like, mean?

Sandberg: Nothing Charlie. Nothing at all. Yes. An infielder would be splended. But so would, I don't know.. an Outfielder, or maybe a 1b, or maybe someone who can hit a left handed pitcher, or anyone who's help in some way.

Ruben: He has a point. Honestly, I'm not sure you don't need a RH bat as much as a LH bat Charlie.

Charlie: Well, if Mayberry's in RF, and Youngs DHing, and Galvis is at 2B, I need a damn backup CF now too! Maybe you can find me someone can do all that!

A slight twinkle of evil gleams in Sandberg's eye.

Scott: Are we looking off the 40 man?

Rube: We have the room.

Dubee: Pete Orr?

Charlie: He's just a lefty and he don't play center.

Sandberg: If only we had a player in the organization that could back up at all the IF positions, play an adequate CF, provide depth as both a LH and RH bench bat...

Charlie: And run. he's gotta be fastish.

Rube: We've gotta be missing something here.

Proefrock: It's too bad we let that rule 5 guy go last year.

Charlie: Who?

Proefrock: I forget his name, the little guy. Mike something.

Charlie: Valdez?

Ruben: I should have never traded him.

Dubee: Martinez!

Rube: Oh yeah. Why'd we let him go?

Charlie: He's exactly the kind a guy I need right now, solves all my problems in one swoop, least till Chase gets back. Why'd we get rid of him?

Sandberg: We didn't.

All: WHAT???

Sandberg: He's at Lehigh.

Proefrock: Ryne, whats he doing?

Sandberg looks at his stat sheet.and replies with a devilish grin...

Sandberg: I'll tell you what he's doing. He's hitting better than Billy Hamilton AND Mike Olt. Thats what he's doing.

Rube: Really?

Sandberg: I would not lie.

Charlie: Well like, shit. Get his ass up here. Why we still talking?

Ruben: Nice call Ryne.

Ryne :Don't thank me thank Charlie. This was his idea. I take and want ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIT.

Charlie: Thanks kid.

Ryne: You're welcome skip.

Ruben: So it's settled then? Charlie want's Martinez and Ryne Sandberg had nothing to do with this decision.

Charlie: Settled. Lets go eat!

Ruben: Should have never traded Pence. That settles it. Charlie gets the credit, and the Phillies get Martinez.

And as they leave, Ryne Sandberg gets a shit eating grin, wider than the strike zone Michael Martinez will create for himself.