clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Chaos and the 2013 Phillies

Chaos may be the only thing that can redeem the 2013 Phillies.


Last night's loss was really stupid. In a season of stupid losses, though, who knows if that one will even be in the top ten when it's all said and done. So with last night's clusterfuck in fresh in my mind, I heard some news earlier that got me thinking.

I realized that I really, really wanted the Phillies to give Manny Ramirez a job. Not because I think he'd be good -- I don't know if he would, but my guess is probably not -- but because it would be unbelievably entertaining to see. That's what this season is missing -- actual entertainment. Usually that comes in the form of good (or at least marginally competent) baseball, something the Phillies and their coaching staff haven't been able provide much of this season. The month of May was pretty great, with Domonic Brown going insane and becoming a rogue baseball vigilante, but everyone knew that couldn't last.

So if the Phillies can't provide us with good baseball that is enjoyable to watch, what can they give us? They can give us utter chaos. If they can't be good, they might as well embrace what they are and let it all hang out. I want total and complete ridiculousness. I want Manny Ramirez platooning with Delmon Young. The two of them should be mortal enemies on the edge of a fistfight every time they interact, or they should be the best of friends who start hanging out together all over the city. They should have an obnoxious "I just did an awesome baseball thing!" dance that they do in the dugout that we rarely get to see because neither of them are very good. The two of them could even bring back the bullpen cart and drive it around the field between innings. They could have indecipherable twitter conversations full of in-jokes and slang that they made up. They could host a weekly Youtube video show. The possibilities are endless.

Or maybe Ruben Amaro should indulge his washed-up veteran fetish more often. How about all the time! Delmon Young, Carlos Zambrano, and Chad Durbin were just appetizers. Amaro could sign Rick Ankiel. He could sign Derek Lowe. How about Miguel Tejada? Or Vlad Guerrero? OR SCOTT ROLEN AND JD DREW. YEAH I SAID IT. AMARO SHOULD SIGN SCOTT ROLEN AND JD DREW. Call them the Geritol Phillies and have the PA play circus music every time an opposing batter hits a ground ball. Have Rolen and Drew take batting practice in front of a crowd and set up a net so fans can throw vegetables at them.

If it seems like I'm rooting for the Phillies to suck, you're only half right. I don't want them to fail, really. I want them to succeed. But looking at this team, their manager, their coaching staff, and their front office, I don't think that's possible -- success for a baseball team isn't one five-game winning streak or one great month. Success for a baseball team means doing those things for longer than five days or one month. They have to sustain it, and I don't believe the Phillies, as they're currently constructed, can actually do that. And I don't want them to fail spectacularly just so I can be entertained every night. Watching them lose, even in an amusing way, is still tough to watch. But I'd much rather them suck horribly right now to force change than continue to play their strange brand of unbalanced, mediocre baseball and limp to the offseason for another round of the exact same thing.

So give me chaos. Give me insanity. I want ridiculousness. I want farce. How far can they take it? Even if they don't take my totally reasonable suggestions, I have a feeling we'll find out anyway.