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Michael Young, Braves Mash Phillies 13 - 4

Michael Young and the Atlanta Braves crushed the Phillies tonight. Defensive gaffes upon defensive gaffes, homers against Kyle Kendrick and the bullpen. Just...blech. I watched all of it, so I'm going to huff some paint now.

Dude, don't set your dryer temperature so high.
Dude, don't set your dryer temperature so high.

Tonight's game between the Phillies and the Braves in Philadelphia was played in the shadow of Ryan Howard's DL placement immediately prior to the game, with Darin Ruf being called up as a replacement and driven to the ballpark from Hell on Earth Wilkes-Barre (and he did appear in the game at the end). The other major news was the announcement of the All Star Game rosters, with Domonic Brown and Cliff Lee named as the reps from the Phillies. The all star roster announcements were the last good news, other than the fact that nobody died during the game. It was full of 2013.

Before I get into the recap, I want to put out the call: If you know of a GIF that shows all of Michael Young's "plays" on balls at third base tonight, AND if you can point to a URL showing these, AND if you are the first person to post it below, THEN you will win a Grover nomination from me. Don't disappoint me, Internet.

The reason is that Michael Young had at least four balls hit to him that were playable. A couple were Roger Dorn specials that he ducked more than tried to play. Some of these were rockets, but he "is" a "Major League third baseman" and it is his job to have more range than "as far as I can reach if the ball isn't coming at me fast."

While Michael Young was atrocious, it was also obvious from the get-go that Kyle Kendrick did not have it tonight, and he was getting hit very hard. The defense didn't help him, but he was missing spots (up, sometimes, and getting crushed) and he was generally ineffective, giving up 6 earned runs in 5 innings while striking out 2 and walking 2.

Opposing him was the ageless and effective Tim Hudson. I dropped Hudson from my fantasy team this morning when Anibal Sanchez came off the DL, thus ensuring a Phillies loss. I knew after I dropped him that Hudson was sure to perform exceptionally well, despite his ongoing neck problems and long winless streak. Plus, you know, Phillies. Hudson went 7 efficient innings (92 pitches), giving up 1 earned run and striking out 4 while walking none.

The game was full of delights: Michael Youngery. Bad Kendricking. It was a national Fox game, which made me realize that, as bad as Wheeler is, he is less annoying than a national crew. Every Brave seemingly hit a homer, including Dan Uggla. Dan Uggla, who, well...let me digress a bit and expand on something I mentioned in the game thread...

Judge John Walker in Franklin County, Pennsylvania, was purportedly involved once in a sentencing hearing for a young man who was driving a vehicle up Interstate 81 north of Chambersburg toward Carlisle. [1] Some young women in an adjacent vehicle caught this gentleman's eye, and to impress them or to woo them, or, well...who knows what the guy was doing? In a nutshell, he was accused of waggling his schwanz at female passersby in the neighboring automobile. Really. "Hey! Look at me! Woohoo!" I mean, Dan Uggla, right? The defendant's excuse was that he was actually waggling a plasticized simulacrum of an actual male bit, but Judge Walker was not buying this.

"Mr. ABCDEF, surely you can't expect me to believe that. Don't you think you should just tell me the truth?"

"What do you mean, your honor?"

"Well, wasn't what you were doing kind of like what the Eagles were talking about?"

"The Eagles?"

"Yeah...weren't you just running down the road trying to loosen your load?"

So, Dan Uggla is, in my mind, the Atlanta Brave most likely to waggle something at a passing motorist in a fit of road rage. He just gives me that...vibe. And in the top of the 8th, he was snuggling with Jason Heyward in humid, mid-nineties heat. He was playing in his typical skin-tight, lycra uniform with his Popeye arms and beady eyes. And he looks like the worst sort of Jersey Shore stereotype. And he annoyingly hit a homer. Such was the game tonight. At least I didn't have to pay money to watch tonight.

At the very last, the Phillies mounted a laughable rally, with Michael Young professionally hitting a two run homer that did not budge the win expectancy that had flat-lined in the eighth. Sorry, dude, the homer came in garbage time. The defense came when the game was in doubt. Your sins are not absolved.

Fangraph of Barves fans calling their doctors because of erections lasting more than four hours:

Source: FanGraphs

[1] This story was related to me by a colorful member of the Bar, and it may be apocryphal, but it bears retelling.