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If Genghis Khan Ran The Phillies

What would happen if Genghis Khan ran the Phillies? Your bloggers answer that important question.

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This morning, RememberThePhitans sent the email below to our blog lord email thread. What follows is the ensuing email conversation, which sheds light on this completely relevant, realistic question.

I was sweeping the porch this morning, and I started to wonder how the Phillies would be different if they were run by Genghis Khan.

1. Michael Martinez would not be a player, he would be ammunition.

2. Cole Hamels would wear fur-lined underwear.

3. Cheesesteaks would be made with horsemeat.

Any suggestions on this?

Don't sweep the porch, ever again.

Chris Wheeler would be his catamite.

Ryan Howard would be playing every day, albeit on one foot since they would have just cut the bad one off after 2011.

Genghis Khan would drink from the skull of Chipper Jones. Jimmy Rollins would hustle. Every. Single. Time.

Liz Roscher
The NL East would just be the Phillies, since he would have conquered all the other teams.

David S. Cohen
Every player would see at least 4 pitches per plate appearance.

Nah -- they'd be hackers.  No pitch shall pass...

The interesting part of this one is the question of whether Howard would actually be any better or worse on one foot.

Ghengis Khan would show them how the Tomahawk Chop is really done.

Khan would fire Amaro. Literally. He'd bind him and throw him over an open flame.

Wet Luzinski
Genghis Khan would make sure his horses would always make a playoff run.

Genghis Khan would rename it "Silk Ashburn Alley."

Genghis Khan would always make sure his players were hungry to win, especially one hour after eating Chinese food.

Upon his death, Genghis Khan would leave his empire to his remaining Phillies sons: Chase, Roy, Cliff, and Cole. Chase would be known as "The Great Khan" and all other sons would follow his orders.

After capturing the World Series, Genghis Khan would lead the Phillies to total victory in Afghanistan. And Iraq. And Iran. And Syria.

If Genghis Khan ran the Phillies:

Kyle Kendrick would be his bitch.

He would trade Michael Martinez for Mike Trout.

Chase Utley would be completely unaffected and left alone. Because he's Chase Utley.

There's a Genghis Khan management book:

If Genghis Khan ran the Phillies:

The visitor's clubhouse would be a mausoleum.

"Sliding to break up a double play" would be referred to as "sliding to break up the second baseman's tibia."

All Gatorade would be red and served in human skulls.

The front office would be staffed with a wizened old man who simply told all free agents that "The tide of death is only surmountable by those who ride with it."

Ben Revere would be the only person who could make the Khan smile, and for this, he would be given mayoral power for life.

Third base coach would be much more cautious sending guys home. Because if the runner's out, he has to walk home. To Genghis's home, in Mongolia. On the stumps where his legs formerly were.

Wet Luzinski
Genghis Khan would commission Pat Burrell to build a stately pleasure dome.

The various pieces of Pat Burrell that fell off of him prior to his death would later become enshrined as small chapels within the Stately Pleasure Dome, and would be Lourdes-like world-renowned pilgrimage sites for infertile couples and dudes who couldn't get dates.

Liz Roscher
Looking at that Genghis Khan management book, it was suggested that I might be interested in this book: Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way.

I'm not kidding. That exists.

Genghis Khan would enslave visiting bullpen staff as groundscrew and mead vendors.

The outfielders would have to avoid running near Genghis Khan's war tents.

Instead of bats, the Phillies would use spiked clubs.

Genghis Khan would find out what happened at Benghazi.

The first 15,000 fans in attendance would all receive a horse archer bobblehead.

Genghis Khan would get the No. 1 pick every year.

He would /take/ the #1 pick every year.

Likely by slaughtering theams ahead of him on the list.