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You Did Not Watch this Game: Braves 7, Phillies 1

You know they found water on Mars tonight? Why the hell were you watching this game?

Brett Davis-USA TODAY Sports

The goal tonight was obviously to impregnate Brian McCann with rage. Brian McCann we do it or Brian McCann't we? Unfortunately we Brian McCouldn't because Brian McCann Brian McContused himself and left the game way early.

So that fun little subplot aside, we were forced to make due with Tyler Cloyd, who gave the Phillies an entire inning of work. By the time he left, he'd given up seven runs, eight hits, two walks, and a home run. And he was fully healthy.

Jason Heyward plowed through Cloyd, rampaging to a 5-for-5 night, during which he led off with a home run, then hit three doubles and a single, driving in only one run (himself) and scoring twice. Freddie Freeman, Evan Gattis, and Chris Johnson all banged some doubles off pieces of Turner Field while Braves base runners circled the bases with no one getting in their way.

But don't worry; the Phillies had an astounding little trend of their own developing. John Mayberry got picked off base, again.

Jimmy  Rollins went 3-for-4 with a double. Domonic Brown, Darin Ruf, Cody Asche, and Cesar Hernandez went a combined 1-for-16.

**kicks pebble**

Tyler Cloyd grounded out in the second, accidentally knocking in a run (In the Braves' clubhouse, Brian McCann kept trying to block things like doorways and snack machines in revenge, seemingly unaware that Cloyd, on the TV, couldn't see, hear, or be affected by his actions). It was an RBI so flaccid and meaningless that didn't even bother to make it a watchable highlight clip. Gattis' double the next inning knocked in two runs, erasing any sort of Phillies progress and giving the Atlana fans a chance to do that one cheer they know.

But they didn't score again after the Gattis double. A natural stopping point, seven runs. If the Braves had wanted to score more runs, they probably just would have. How do you stop anybody from doing anything they want during a Tyler Cloyd start/bullpen game?

That's sort of the good news; the Phillies bullpen held the line quite charmingly.  Mauricio Robles, Joe Savery, Justin De Fratus,  J.C. Ramirez, and B.J. Rosenberg offended the Braves for the rest of the night, without allowing just four hits and zero runs with four walks and seven strikeouts through eight innings. Robles proved especially helpful, pinning down three innings.

It was a box score Tyler Cloyd would not be getting framed.

Highlight of the game: Did you know FX is going to make a 10-part miniseries out of Fargo? And Martin Freeman is going to be in it?

Look at that Fangraph soar.

Source: FanGraphs