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Penultimate Papelbon - Phillies 5, Papelbon 3, Braves 1

The Phillies managed to spoil the Braves home field chances in the playoffs by clinging to a one run victory.

Nine out of ten shortstops cannot make that play. We love you Jimmy!
Nine out of ten shortstops cannot make that play. We love you Jimmy!
Mike Zarrilli

Despite the best efforts of Lights On Papelbon, that is. Our vaunted closer entered a non-save situation with a 5-1 lead, and proceeded to turn on the lights.

But first, the good stuff. General Ethan Martin pitched solidly for three innings, as he always seems to do, keeping the Barves to a first inning run. The Phils started first, though, as Cesar Hernandez reached on a first pitch bunt, and Jimmy Rollins hit a first pitch double. Two pitches, two hits. Interesting. Two quick outs brought up Cameron Rupp, who singled to center, for his first Major League RBIs. They may not mean much as a stat, but I'll bet they mean a lot to Rupp. Good on ya, kid.

Mike Minor settled down for Jackson-Hartsfield after that, keeping the Phils off the board through the sixth. In the seventh, though, Jackalope Walden came in and promptly sold some insurance. Hernandez led off with another single, reached second on a wild pitch, and scored on a single by Rollins. Rollins in turn moved to third on botched pickoff. Walden struck out Chase Utley and Darin Ruf before being replaced by Scott Downs, who promptly allowed a single to Domonic Brown, scoring Rollins. 4-1.

In the eighth, Fredi Gonzalez went to Anthony Varvaro, who sounds like a used car dealer. John Mayberry Jr hit a one-out single, Kevin Frandsen pinch-hit a single moving Mayberry to second, and Hernandez singled to load the bases. Evan Gattis is not a very good outfielder. Alex Wood came in in relief of the Honda salesman, and immediately allowed an RBI single to Utley, scoring Mayberry. 5-1.

Ok. Bottom of the ninth. Phillies up on Coca-Cola 5-1. Seems like a good time to bring in Flapelbags.

After striking out Andrelton Simmons, Flagellationbon booted a ball, allowing a "single" to Young Vladimir Putin.

Badelbon allowed a single George Costanza.

After inducing a stratospheric pop-up from Clu Haywood, Shittybon gave up a three-run homerun to Justin Upton. 5-4.

Apparently Papelbon is either really unbearably shitty or he has fully #embracedthetank. And here I thought he didn't sign up for this shit. So at this point, it's 5-4, and Scott Franzke starts talking about last year when Fuckfacebon allowed like six runs in the ninth or something. Enter Freddie Freebird, who reached on a well-hit single to right.

With a runner on first, Roose Bolton walked Gattis.

Great. Two outs, but runners on first and second, and Chris Johnson, one-time contender for the batting title is up. His Holiness threw his best meatball to Johnson, who slashed a hard bouncing liner to the gap between third and shot...

...where All-Star Gold Glove shortstop Jimmy Rollins was waiting. Rollins, ranging far to his left, made a fantastic diving stop, and an out-fucking-standing throw to Ruf at first, nailing Johnson.

Seriously, anyone who thinks Rollins isn't good and/or is lazy should promptly go fuck off. Really. And Papelbon? Why is he on this team?

As good an answer as any, right?

With the win, the Phillies improve to 73-88, but have managed to avoid a 90-loss season, so, there's that. The loss pushed Shermansburg to 95-66, a game behind St. Louis. They've obviously clinched a playoff spot, but we've managed to make them start it on the road. Fuck off, the Braves.


On a side note, with this win, my recap record improves to 8-10, including the season's first, but hopefully not it's last, win. Goodnight, ya'll.