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Smasched Potatoes: Phillies 2, Braves 1

Cliff Lee and Cody Asche stepped in and told those stupid Braves to shut the hell up for once.

Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

Lot of fun stories coming into tonight's game.

Will B.J. Upton hit over .200?  Is this series merely an excuse for the Phillies to scout Brian McCann? Is Cesar Hernandez a center fielder yet? Say, is that a section full of Miss America contestants? Why? Don't think, just send Gregg Murphy to interview them! Evan Gattis! Is he still a thing!

And all the rest.

Security made the questionable decision to let the Phillies onto the field, and away we went. As the saying goes, "I sure hope the Phillies win this game, not because of much in the long term, but because those three seconds following a Phillies victory are the happiest parts of my day. Hell, I'd go so far as to say they're all I live for anymore. Also, did you know Chipper Jones is a dickhead? Hey, my wife's gone; pass the soda can full of warm, flat beer I keep inside that hollowed out book. Don't tell anyone. Just kidding, I know cats can't talk."

The Braves' Mike Minor was stupidly troublesome, and Andrelton Simmons broke up the monotony of pitching with a solo shot in the third. As it was pointed out, Simmons' home run numbers have gone from three to 14 between now and last season, meaning his steroid supplements come in a far smaller needle.

But this was a quick game - quicker than it takes Andrelton Simmons to fill his "Lil Macho" brand syringe. It was nine innings of fast, spastic outs and pitching performances that got everyone on and off the field in a hurry (The teams had a combined seven hits).  Cliff Lee was in top form, striking out 10 and allowing only two hits and a walk through eight innings. Rumor had it he had the knife raised over his sacrificial lamb to go out for the ninth, but Ryne Sandberg sent out Jonathan Papelbon, who almost forgot to cover first base on a grounder but in the end, saved it with a 1-2-3.

Cesar Hernandez played a great center field; seeing the ball, chasing the ball, and once even performing a casual little basket catch so that national baseball writers can question the quality of his character.  But the position player of the evening was clearly Cody Asche - bare-handing grounders, diving for screamers, and bashing go-ahead dingers. It was his two-run smaschery in the seventh that gave the Phillies the lead.

Then, Ben Revere hit Gregg Murphy in the face with a pie, and Gregg Murphy had to pretend he still thought it was funny.

"I'm Gregg Murphy!" he thought. "Earlier tonight I was surrounded by supermodels!"

Source: FanGraphs