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Phillies Fan Guide to Tonight's Eagles Game

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The Eagles open their season tonight. Here are some things every Phillies fan needs to know about the game.

The not-Phillies play tonight.
The not-Phillies play tonight.
Howard Smith-USA TODAY Sports

The Eagles open their season tonight.  Here are some things every Phillies fan needs to know about the game.

About football generally:

  • That brown thing is a ball.  It doesn't look like any other ball you are probably familiar with, as it is not spherical.  For some reason, it is virtually impossible to cleanly pick up one of those brown balls when it is bouncing on the field.  Michael Young fielding a ground ball is prettier than watching huge grown men try to pick up a football.
  • Football players, unlike baseball players, do not play both offense and defense.  They are so wimpy and out of shape that offensive players rest while the defensive players play, and vice versa.  The sport is inferior because of it.
  • Like most sports that are not baseball, there is a time clock in football.  This results in the need for completely foreign things such as time outs, intentionally doing something otherwise against your team's interest in order to "stop the clock," and a pro-longer period in the middle of the game in which there is no play.
  • The same person who starts the game throwing the ball usually ends the game throwing the ball.  There are almost never relief quarterbacks, even rarer in high leverage situations, so you don't have to worry about Raul Valdes or Chad Qualls ruining the game.
About the Eagles:
  • The Eagles have a veteran Philadelphia coach at the helm.  Chip Kelly is the second-longest tenured Philadelphia coach of the four major professional male sports.
  • Their offense is newly designed this year to model Kelly's college program at Oregon.  Expect the Eagles to put up more points tonight than the Phillies do over the course of an average month.
  • In the key stat of central team figures who have spent time in jail for murdering, maiming, and dismembering helpless dogs, the Eagles lead the Phillies 1-0.
About the Redskins:
  • Their quarterback is referred to with only initials and roman numerals.  Last time a sports figure with a nickname had this much hype, he wound up hated by his own fans and potentially facing a suspension from his sport for hundreds of games.
  • Their team name is racist but is shockingly still the team name in 2013.
ADDENDUM:  Of course, for more information, George Carlin has answers.