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The Secret Word is Chad: Phillies Sign Gaudin (and Negrych)

The Phillies have made two depth signings in Chad Gaudin and Jim "Chad" Negrych. Please, settle down.

Hello, yes?  I am very hungry.
Hello, yes? I am very hungry.
David Manning-USA TODAY Sports

Hi, welcome to The Offseason; your table will be ready in about two months.  While you're waiting, would you care for some drinks or snacks?

Ah, I see you're interested in the Tanaka slider.  Really good: Wagyu beef, wasabi, and this soybean infused aioli that really pops. It's our finest item, though it is a bit on the pricier side.

Yes, I totally understand: you do have a fairly outstanding tab here already, and times are tough.  We do have, ah, more economic options as well on our alternative menu.  For instance, the Cruz crudite has been very popular in the past, though far less appealing this year.  And here is the Morales ceviche, which is fresh and young, but decidedly less popular after the recent...ah...restrictions.

Hmmm, the Gaudin salad, eh?  A very interesting choice; we couldn't give this stuff away three years ago, but then the head chef started using a different type of green and added some essence of fennel, if you can believe it, to the dressing.  And now,'s not our most popular dish, but I feel that it's had some, shall we say, utility in the past couple of years.  Why, last year alone, that salad earned 1.1 fWAR.  ...oh, fWAR? Stands for "food we ate recently."  It's a common enough metric.

What else has changed about the salad?  Well, ah, let me see...yes *cups hands together* Joseph!  Joseph, could you come over here?  This is our sous chef, Joseph Catz, and he might be able to tell you more.I actually like this deal.

Well, the salad's a swing course, and it's on a minor league -- er, appetizer deal, and it put up a 3.06 ERA (eating right always) 3.34 FIP (feeling inner peace), 4.0 xFIP (extrusions felt in pelvis), with 8 k/9 (potassium per nine hours), and 1.1 fWAR over 97 innings, er, servings and 12 starts, er entree courses last year. Granted that was in Frisco and his HR/9 (hungry restaurateurs per nine minutes) numbers were career lows but he's shown a huge change in his batted bowl profiles in 12 and 13.

45% and 53% FB (foul belches) in 10 and 11 down to 35% and 38% in 12 and 13.

Again, another low risk course with good advanced statistical indicators that, for me, at least show some input from advanced menu analytics.

Thanks, Joe.  And, as one of the other servers, a Benjamin Horrow, has mentioned after hours, the salad performs best with good "pitch framing catchers," a restaurant slang for steady salad makers.  And might I add, sir, we have one of the best in the business in the eminent Chooch Ruiz.

...oh, the asterisk?  Yes, sir, I should tell you, the salad has its unsavory side.  But we have sold worse before, I can assure you.

So you'll go with the meal?  Fantastic, sir; as a discount to one of our most favored customers, allow me to put it on a minor-league contract: you only need pay full price if it meets your every expectation.

Might I suggest a further aperitif to whet your palate for the long offseason ahead?  It's not on the menu currently, but we have a lovely Jim Negrych in the cellar that I've been waiting to give to the right customer.  It's a Pittsburgh vintage, and while it hit its peak in 2011, it still has some fine body, if not the most exciting legs.  Perhaps merely another forgotten bottle, sir, but who can resist playing with fortune now and again?

Ah, well, a gambler at heart.  Excellent, Mr. Amaro, I will bring you your Gaudin salad and your bottle of Negrych shortly.  Bon appetit.