It's an autumn Saturday in America, and that means college football. And it's college football in America, so that means 20 hours of pregame coverage.
ESPN has to fill those hours somehow and Lee Corso can't try on everybody's hat, so each week, they bring in a special celebrity guest desk-sitter to make some picks for the day's big match-ups. Last week, Katy Perry was on. To make college football picks.
Look, I don't know anything about college football. Are Brittany's Lions playing today? Who is winning the High Man Award this season, for being the Highest Man on the College Football Totem Pole? But for some reason, today's big celebrity picker is none other than
Yes, there he is, demanding a Big Gulp refill from an honored peon.
Why has this happened? What reason could there be for this? Papelbon isn't playing in the current MLB playoffs. In fact, the last time we saw him, he was immortalizing his 2014 season with an image of himself not even playing baseball.
So, for whatever reason, ESPN wants to get inside his head and hear about some of those college teams he thinks will win today. So. There he is hands not on crotch:
Paps went to No. 3 Missisippi State, who is playing No. 2 Auburn today in one of the day's top games. So that makes sense. But MSU doesn't count Papelbon among their "notable alumni," which is kind of a jip (They do include Will Clark and Rafael Palmeiro). Too bad they couldn't get MSU alum and current ALCS manager Buck Showalter to make an appearance. Or John Grisham.
But mostly, everyone will be waiting with crotch-simmering tension to see if his hands go anywhere other than the desk.