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Cole Hamels may be plotting his way out of Philadelphia as we speak

The Phillies may be ready to dump big contracts. Cole Hamels has a big contract.

Mitchell Leff

Things are getting a little squirrely.

The Phillies aren't letting the World Series steal attention away from their huge offseason moves. Royals' first World Series since 1985? JEROME WILLIAMS, $2.5 MILLION. Series tied 1-1 heading to San Francisco? GRADY SIZEMORE, $ 

There isn't anyone the Phillies aren't willing to give at least $2 million to in their undignified attempts to snatch the spotlight from the Giants and Royals. But the thing is, somehow, it hasn't been working. Instead, people have been doing what they always do with baseball this time of year: not watching it. A team that's not even playing can't even not be watched.

So, the Phillies are going to have to up the stakes a bit if their want to really break some necks. And they've got the big, dumb contracts to do it.

Ha ha, yeah, so let's wait hold up I meant like Howard or Papelbon or Byrd, not Hamels what the hell are you talking about Buster Olney shut the hell up I mean explain yourself but also shut your god damn mouth:

The Phillies can position Hamels as a unique alternative in the market. He is one of the best left-handers in baseball, proven in the regular season and the postseason, and yet he won't be as expensive as Lester or Shields, because he's already in the midst of his contract, and unlike Price, Zimmermann or Cueto, he could help you in 2015 (Price, Zimmermann and Cueto could remain with their current teams before hitting the market next fall).

Oh, good, something that makes sense. I was worried you had some crackpot, easily ignored theory that you cooked up for a Friday morning mailbag thing, but you are citing the market and free agents and stuff. Well, it looks like we'll have to turn elsewhere for a raunchy, highly wrong bunch of thoughts to ridicule. Heyman, you're up.

"Hamels has a 20-team no-trade list, and he's working on updating that now, as it is due Nov. 1. As of Friday, these are the nine teams to which he can be traded without his consent: Dodgers, Angels, Padres, Cardinals, Nationals, Braves, Yankees, Red Sox and Rangers. The southern California native (San Diego) can alter the list, though."

Thank you, Jon, for reminding us all the geographical location of some lost city like San Diego. NO thank you, Jon, for insinuating that Hamels is even now hunched over an old timey desk, sipping tea, eating crackers, licking his fingers clean, then giggling as he composes a lists of team for whom he'd heartlessly leave the Phillies - the number of which is apparently climbing.

Okay, so, Hamels. All right. The Cubs and Red Sox have fertile systems, if we're doing this, and we could break Hamels into most of an outfield. Or maybe we could use him to acquire Joe Maddon? I don't know, I'm flustered, I can't think straight. It's all a little uncomfortable. Let me just order some more Grady Sizemore shirseys to relax.

That's better.

We're one of those teams now whose front won't hesitate to repeatedly tell us how badly they're going to suck. Maybe that's not the kind of team Hamels would want to pitch for anyway. They keep chanting "2017, 2018" as if it will get them a Sports Illustrated cover.

It's intriguing to think of the Phillies making a move that doesn't just shovel $2 million into a space filler; dumping some of these bigger deals, namely Howard's, would signal a true end to an era - this smaller, crappier era happening after the medium-sized, playoff one. If Gillick, who I trust, and Amaro, who I trust less, feel like they're in a position to benefit from a Hamels trade...

Well. It's a long winter. Now let's all sit back and not think about the heroes from our younger days wearing different uniforms.