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Roy Halladay's manners for children

The retired ace taught some children how to operate in civilized society.

By Justin Klugh
Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

Now that Roy Halladay's schedule isn't packed with visceral cutterings or zoo trips, he's got plenty of time to dedicate himself to the people. You never know when Roy Halladay's thoughts on a particular topic are going to be vital, and it's nice that he can just show up and offer them at any time these days.

Recently, he reviewed the subject of "manners" with a room full of children.

I'm not an expert on children, manners, or Roy Halladay, but I've heard that children can be just awful; shin-kicking, drink-swilling, Minecraft-playing human puppets who exist to rely on you for many years, then turn on you like feral cats for eight or ten. Will they ever forgive you for not letting them live in a van with Rodney and the rest of their horrible friends with poor hygiene that one summer? Who knows. But with Roy Halladay setting the tone, maybe the odds of them asking that will be a little less likely.

Roy Halladay's Manners for Children

- When humiliating an opponent, chances are, they will be emotionally raw. Smooth things over with your most polite scowl. A true enemy respects when he looks in your eyes and sees the entire world on fire.

- If being honored for a particular accomplishment, try to possess the humility of a patron saint, to the point that those honoring you cannot do so without weeping into their hands.

- When asked to regale guests at a fancy dinner a party with tales of your harrowing exploits, it is highly appropriate to use as many explosion sounds effects as possible, unless any of your guests were a member of the 2010 Cincinnati Reds, in which case make the explosion noises quietly under your breath to the guests next to you.

- Upon receiving intensified pressure to go to the zoo with a stranger on the internet, wait a while, but then do it.

- Being punctual is important, but so is taking the time to sit back and appreciate the awe-inspiring terror of nature. Never fail to be polite and respectful to nature, especially when it so clearly serves as a metaphor of you doing your job.

- Not sure which fork to use? Use them all at once. Don't worry, you're a Cy Young winner. Nobody's going to give a shit how you eat your spaghetti.

- When meeting new people, eye contact is important. Adults respect a child who can look back at them without nerves or fear, as if they posses a power you both know is uncontrollable.

- Also, it's insulting, when shaking hands with a man, to not try to crush his hand-bones with the intensity of your squeeze. No man will ever admit that a handshake is too hard; their eyes will fill with tears and blood, but they'll maintain the facade throughout, for the sake of dignity.

- Is someone struggling to carry a hefty object? It's your responsibility to give them a hand by slinging whatever it is on your back and getting it where it's going at a full, nonstop sprint. Implore whomever you are aiding that you would prefer a route with a near infinite number of stairs.

- Opening the door for someone is a great way to show you respect them as a human being and that they are submissive to your will.

- Cursing is for people who don't know how to swallow their frustration, transform it into molten rage, and channel it through elite athletic talent.

- If competing with someone younger than you, or just clearly on a lower skill level, allow them some form of success near the beginning of the game. That way, everyone will have more fun, and they'll feel like they at the very least were able to play the game correctly, and only you are aware that you could have throttled them without mercy.

- Social media is a fun and productive form of communication, but despite the anonymity the internet provides, be sure to operate as politely and respectfully as you would when talking directly to the person's face.

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