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Everyone alarmed as Cole Hamels starts sentence with 'Don't be alarmed...'

The Phillies ace was apparently dealing with tendinitis during the offseason. He claims he is healthy now, but an opening day start is not certain.

Rich Schultz

The joy of winter is still upon us, and as riots break out due to rock salt shortages, we look to the return of baseball to warm our souls. Why, pitchers and catchers are reporting in a sunset or two! And hey, maybe if absolutely everything goes right for the Phillies, and then a few more suprise things go right, and some other teams miss several dozen planes in a row, they could wander into a Wild Ca

All is lost.

At this point, info isn't totally clear - one beat says he won't start opening day, and another says it's still "possible," one says it was in his "shoulder" and the other says "bicep." Hamels himself says he expects to pitch in April. The tendinitis put him "8-10 days" behind schedule, after he started noticing it in late November.

So he doesn't start opening day. That's okay. He'll start the day after, maybe. Or another day. Hey, Cliff will probably start opening day! That's kind of cool.

Or maybe, like, Kendrick will start and a wayward pitch of his will hit Hamels in the dugout, causing permanent brain damage. Whoops, a little nightmare slipped through! Sorry, everybody.

"The 2014 Phillies: Sometimes, the Darkness is Uncontainable."

UPDATE: The tally is now