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Phillies Promotions for 2014: The Good, the Bad, and the Teen Moms

You know you aren't going to be watching a 90 win team. So those giveaways are that much more important. What kind of cool stuff awaits you this year?

No, I am not adding a witty caption to this photo. I am not. Definitely not.
No, I am not adding a witty caption to this photo. I am not. Definitely not.
Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Last year, the John Kruk action figure was full of win. The Ben Revere Growth Chart?  Awesome.  What kinds of goodies await fans this year?

The full promo/giveaway schedule for the Phillies for 2014 is here.

Despite the condition of my house, my idea about life is more Thoreau than you would think:

I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and threw them out the window in disgust." - Henry David Thoreau

Basically, cheap plastic crap is not really going to bring me to the ballpark.  Unless it is a CLIFF LEE ACTION FIGURE! HOLY COW!!!!  I am totally buying tickets for the game on Sunday, June 1 against the Mets.  I will get a child 14 or under to the game one way or another, even if I have to trigger an Amber Alert.

On the other end of the spectrum is Sunday, May 4th.

Years ago, Baltimore had a promotional motto that was "The City that Reads." So some delightful troll went around the city with stickers that read "Breeds" and placed them over the park benches and things that displayed the city motto. It was delightful, typical Baltimore.  Look, there's even a website honoring the troll.

This digression is a windy windup to my least-favorite promotion the Phillies are offering: "Mother's Appreciation Day" for all women...15 and older?  If you wonder who the old man is who is waving a cane and raving at that game, it might be me.  I mean, come on. This is Philadelphia, not Atlanta.

On Wednesday, May 14th, the Phillies play the Angels, and it is time for a Senior Stroll the Bases event.  I'm not sure why they are doing this promotion this year.  Jimmy's contract has an option for another year after this one, so what's the hurry?

Bobbleheads this year include:

  • Chase Utley - Tuesday, June 10th v. Padres (all fans, not just 15 year old pregnant girls)
  • Roy Halladay - Friday, August 8 v. Mets (all fans)
  • Ryan Howard - Tuesday, August 19 v. Mariners (all fans)

An assortment of cultural events will take place, though my favorite, by far, is certain to be Monday, June 23rd v. the Marlins. This is "Faith and Family Celebration" night.  Lord knows that Phillies fans will need to pray this season.  Better still, this game is co-terminous with a Hatfield Dollar Dog night. "Jesus! I shouldn't have eaten eight hot dogs!"  And a game against the Marlins, to boot.  Good god. I'm going just to take it all in.

The promotional schedule ends with "Fan Appreciation Day" on Sunday, September 28th against the Braves.  "Fan" being singular, and 2014 being what it is likely to be, the creation of a joke for this location is left as an exercise for the student.