clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

History's Worst Monsters: Phillies Edition

New, 33 comments

Thanks to a "worst" breakthrough by quantum baseball linguist Phrozen, I present to you my list of the five worst monsters in baseball history, each of whom is worse than the others. Yes, this is possible. TRIGGER ALERT

Ugh. La.
Ugh. La.
Brian Garfinkel

Phrozen played Niels Bohr today (or perhaps Werner Heisenberg) with this comment. By following in his footsteps, I am trying to be Robert Oppenheimer, but actually I can't be -- this week's role of "Death, destroyer of worlds" is instead played by the worst baseball player ever:

1. Evan Gattis. It wasn't just last night, either. It was also Evan Gattis two days before with his 2 homer game. And Evan Gattis last year, in another 2 homer game, and the game in which he became the first MLB player to split the atom.  Fucking Evan Gattis -- he's the WORST!  Except for...

1.  Dan Uggla, who is even worstier.  Gattis is a heart-warming story of a man overcoming obstacles to get to the majors, blah, blah, blah. Uggla is a strange dude who has an Ed Savitz-like fetish for child-sized uniforms. And, of course, he is history's worst monster.  Which brings me to the worst baseball player ever,

1.  Ryan Braun.  His 3 homer, seven RBI game was worse than Gattis and worse than Uggla and they are all worse than each other. The PEDs and his lemur-like good looks only add to the trauma. And the fact that Bud Selig probably licks Braun's ears tenderly after games in post-Brewers game sausage parties.  I hate Ryan Braun. Braun is not the worst, he is the WURST. Except for

1. Cody Ross, who is worsted than the rest.  Remember this?  Christ. And the devil himself appears here. Just look at that face. It makes me want to, well, I probably shouldn't write things like that.  Cody Ross is the WORST. Except for

1. Chipper Jones the Worstlitzer. This was the second time in 2012 that he did this. And the war crimes of Chipper Jones are legion and familiar territory for all of us.  Still, he's old and gone and fading.

Venting can be therapeutic, but don't dwell on it or wallow in it. That is a maladaptive response to stress, and it doesn't help.  Drinking to excess, however, I can heartily endorse. And watch more baseball. Like this. God, I hope Atlanta burns. Again.