Welcome to the first in a [hopefully lengthy] series of important Power Rankings, intended to help bring you, the fan, closer to the game.
This week's edition: Phillies' game Radio Commercials on WPHT*
* I am only able to listen to WPHT during games, so this list is limited thusly. Additionally, I'm not readily able to provide audio, so use your imagination.
1. "Hi, this is Ron Jaworksi for my friends at Bradford White." Bradford White makes water heaters, and lemme tell ya, I know about water heaters. Water heaters are fucking great. I love water heaters. These are the best water heaters, because they heat the most water. Also, Ron Jaworski. MADE IN AMERICA WATER HEATERS! HELL YEAH!
2. "LOCK YOUR CAR. TAKE YOUR KEYS. HIDE YOUR STUFF." There are at least two versions of this bit. One featuring Scott Franzke, cautioning you that every single car in Philadelphia is stolen two or three times per year, it only takes a minute, so lock it, everytime. THE OTHER ONE ADDS THAT YOU SHOULD ALSO TAKE YOUR KEYS AND HIDE YOUR STUFF. HOLY SHIT, GUYS, I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!
3. Coke. "I was sitting there, in my backyard, writing a blog post. I'd called in sick. I wasn't sick. Was I a bad employee, I wondered. Then I saw a typewriter fall out of a tree. Hmmm, I yelled. Maybe I shouldn't do so much cocaine."
4. Winter Ford in Cherry Hill, feat. T-Mac. This commercial isn't really that great, but I'm a Ford guy, and, before he was traded, this featured Shane Victorino, bragging about his customized F-250. I have a customized F-250 as well. I mean, mine's customized with snow tires and a ladder rack, while his is probably customized with like three hot tubs and a full bar, but whatever.
5. Atlantic City, feat T-Mac. The second track on T-Mac's debut album, this one features a mythical place called "AC," where you can do anything. You can watch shows. You can go to outlet stores. You can even gamble at casinos. It sounds even better than Las Vegas!
6. Larry Andersen's promos. I love these. You can just about predict the current score of the game by how thoroughly he delivers them. In the beginning of a game, he'll read the whole thing flawlessly. If the Phils are blowing the other team out, he'll hurry through it. If the Phils are losing, he drawls his way around the words. And sometimes Scott Franzke interrupts him to deliver important news. I think the most endearing thing I've ever heard on these broadcasts was three or so years ago, when, during a promo for something, Franzke interrupted with some play-by-play info, and Larry just stopped. About three seconds of silence later, Franzke says, "sorry partner," and Larry said, "okay, we'll get it next inning." I just love those guys.
7. Thomas Jefferson Hospital. "Is it your arthritis?" "Yeah... that or a peptic ulcer? A ruptured kidney? Amputated feet? Cholera? Pneumonic Plague? TERMINAL BONEITIS!" I feel sorry for this ultrachondriac's wife. She's obviously been putting up with this nonsense for years, and her only hope is that her husband does in fact develop incurable boneitis.
8. "The All-new Honda accord loaded with special features like Pandora? Woah." Apple has sold about 400 million iPhones and iPads since 2007. There are something like 800 million Android devices out there. There are also four Blackberries and a Windows Phone. These are devices that cost roughly $300-$500, and all 1.2 billion of them can handle Pandora. Conversely, in 2013, Honda sold 450,000 Accords. NOBODY IS GOING TO BUY A $25,000* CAR BECAUSE IT HAS A FREE AUDIO SERVICE THAT ALSO WORKS ON THEIR PHONE.
* I made this price up.
9. PGW Natural Gas, feat. Mitch Williams. "Hey, Mitch, how do you know so much about natural gas?" "BECAUSE I AM COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT!"
10. Independence Blue Cross. If Pol Pot was going to design a radio commercial to hawk his health insurance, I think this would have been it. Polpotcare probably involves more skulls and less healthcare, but the gist is probably the same. Somehow, the "compassion of a cross that opens doors in all fifty states," or whatever it was, doesn't impress me much. If they replaced the metaphysics with monster trucks, I'd be more inclined to sign up. "MONSTER TRUCK HEALTH INSURANCE: WE'LL RUN THE OTHER GUYS OVER!" Hell yeah.
There are far more than 10 different commercials, but we're limited on space because our typewriters keep falling out of the tree. Consider these a representative sample.
Stay tuned next week* when we rank the shit out of some buildings.
*week may not be an actual week.