clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Gross: Mets 6, Phillies 1

"There's nothing worse than a soggy hot dog," Larry Andersen said. Cole Hamels proved him wrong.

Drew Hallowell

It all started when the game didn't start for an hour and a half. When it did, a "heavy, misty rain" took hold of the area, according to the radio broadcast team, after much debate on which weather terminology was most appropriate. If there's anyway baseball was meant to be played, it's inside of a sad, wet cloud.

Cole Hamels made his second start of the season, against a team that regularly puts him in a sour mood without the aid of hideous weather. His 4.44 career ERA against the Mets was well-noted before the game began, and slightly higher by the time he left it.

The fun began in the top of the third with a lead-off double by Ruben Tejada. Daniel Murphy, who stayed inside Hamels' head all night, knocked in the first of Mets' runs. He was subsequently owned by Carlos Ruiz while trying to go to second like a coward, ending the inning.

But in the top of the fourth, the slight itch of concern brought on by Hamels' complete lack of control became a nuclear migraine. After getting David Wright to fly out, Hamels walked Chris Young, then chucked a pitch into the next school district, sending Young to second.

Hamels finished walking Curtis ".129/.242/.212" Granderson, undoubtedly the highlight of Granderson's week, which resulted in a trip to the mound from his concerned, saturated catcher. He went 3-0 on Josh Satin, then threw two strikes before allowing an RBI single to make it 2-0, and sending Granderson, who likely didn't even know where he was at this point, to third.

Hamels then walked Tejada and Jonathan Niese to force in a run, leading to a visit from Bob McClure, who shrugged and made sputtering noises with his mouth before going to the dugout, his mustache twitching with anxiety.The implosion was smothered by a ground ball out that ended the inning.

The Phillies sent the head groundskeeper out to inspect the mound between innings just to make sure Kyle Kendrick didn't screw it up in some horrible way the last time he was out there. Meanwhile, the last remaining fans submitted to their delirium.

"It's just a baseball," Scott Franzke muttered as some fans raced on wet cement for a foul ball and gave themselves brain damage.

Marlon Byrd stepped in, vengeance in his heart. He punched a Niese offering through the howling wind and rain to put the Phils on the board, winning $1,000 for some fine Delaware Valley citizen in the process.

Cutting the Met's lead by a third did little to suppress them, however, and they added three more runs in the top of the fifth. Daniel Murphy singled, then stole second and scored when Chris Young doubled him in. This got Hamels yet another coaching visit before he hit Josh Satin and walked Travis d'Arnaud. At this point, it was widely agreed that Bob McClure should maybe just stop talking to Cole Hamels.

After a Tejada's single knocked in another run, Ryne Sandberg stopped barfing and relieved Hamels in the form of Roberto Hernandez, who struck out Niese to end the inning with the Mets up 6-1.

Through 4.2, Hamels allowed eight hits and six earned runs while walking five and striking out three. 51 of his 106 pitches were balls. Hernandez, Mario Hollands, Jeff Manship, and Shawn Camp allowed one hit and no runs through the rest of the way. Manship threw four pitches in his clean inning.

Fangraph of hilarious NL East shelling:

Source: FanGraphs

Oh wait, that's the Marlins beating the Braves 9-0. lol.

Here you go.

Source: FanGraphs