clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Love, Wiener Hats in the Air at Citizens Bank Park

The Phillies are eager to prove they know a thing or two about the awkward, fumbling art of seduction.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

Jeff Zelevansky

There's not a single facet of modern society that hasn't been penetrated by sex repeatedly. Therefore, it only makes sense for the Phillies to get sexy, as well. For starters,

As staggering as it is to believe, the above promotion is not the most romantic thing to happen in Citizens Bank Park this season. The Phillies and are also hoping you are able to woo a potential mate by showing them the last-place eroticism of Phillies baseball.

Dollar Dog Night is a great time to introduce someone to the Phillies. Especially if you don't tell them; that way, you can come back with six or eight dogs and look like some kind of high roller.


You: Hey, I'm back.

Them: Yes, and - oh, you brought hot dogs.

You: Yeah. I don't know if you can tell but there's a lot of them.

Them: I can definitely see that, yes.

You: So what happened in the game while I was gone?

Them: Um, I missed it. I got a text from my sister, it turns out she was in a car acci--

You: What the hell? The Marlins scored three runs! How do you miss that?

Them: ...

You: **crams awesome number of hot dogs in mouth**

The Phillies schedule is full of giveaways for lovers. There's no telling the limitless affection you'll receive after showing off a Roy Halladay bobblehead in August.


You: See? Their heads bounce like this.

Them: Ha ha, that's pretty cute. My niece would love these.

You: Nie... I mean, they're not for kids.

Them: No?

You: No way.

Them: Oh. Seems like they would be.

You: How?

Them: How what?

You: How does it seem like this bobblehead would be for children? This is, like, 90% of baseball, here in my hand. The last 10% is probably the unwritten rules and Yasiel Puig. And the bobblehead, remember. That's way too much for a child to comprehend. Your niece would probably break the head off and choke to death on it.

Them: She's 19 and loves the Phillies.

You: Later tonight, this guy will join his brothers on the two-story shelf of bobbleheads I haven't shown you in my house yet.

Them: You're joking, right?

You: They are my children.

You: How many hot dogs do you want.

Wait, you know what? These all seem to be going horribly wrong. Let's check back in during a trip to the gift shop:

You: **pounds counter top aggressively on the verge of tears while date slinks out of store** WHERE ARE ALL THE "VANIMAL" SHIRTS?!


It's almost like Phillies baseball can have a negative effect on people.

You: Wow, check out the Jumbotron.

Them: **sees marriage proposal beginning** Oh, these are so cheesy!

Them: **Looks down, sees You on one knee** Oh, no.

You: Oh, yes! This is happening!

Them: No, that was my answer.

You: What?

Them: "No."

You: Can you at least pretend for the cameras? This will be pretty mortifying otherwise.

Them: I don't think so.

You: Please? I invited my parents. "Eighth time's the charm," I told them. I also told the jumbotron guy that. His face got real sad.

Them:  I'm gonna go.

Phanatic: **Dumps popcorn on Your head**

No, in all likelihood, some people will go on a date to a Phillies game this year and it will go really, really well. Romance is not dead; in fact, if there's anything you want distracting from a Phillies loss, it's a conversation with someone to whom you feel a real connection.

You: ... and then we moved to this area when I was in 9th grade, which was tough.

Them: I'll bet. Adjusting like that can suck as a teenager.

You: Ugh, tell me about it.

**Ben Revere dives for pop-up, misses it**

You: But I started getting more involved and made some good friends. I really came out of my shell, to the joy and chagrin of my parents.

Them: Ha ha. Are you close with your parents?

You: Yeah, they live about an hour away, but I get home when I can.

**Revere scrambled to recover, slips, collides with Earth. Marlon Byrd grabs the ball and fires a throw that sails over Chase Utley's head and brains Juan Samuel.**

You: How about you?

Them: Well, there were some turbulent years, sure. I snuck out a lot, got into some things I regret. But they didn't give up on me, which I'll always love them for.

You: That's really nice.

** Larry Andersen screams gibberish from the broadcast booth.**

You: Favorite movie, go.

Them: The Incredibles!

You: Blade Runner!

Them: TV show!

Both: Game of Thrones!

**Jayson Nix does something hideous, Larry Bowa devours dugout phone in anger**

Them: I was a big fan of the Kingslayer's until that last episode.

You: Yeah, what the hell was that? Y'know, that's not how that went in the books.

Them: Oh no - you're an "in the books" guy?

You: It's my darkest secret.

**Ryan Howard hesitates throwing a grounder to second. Nearby fans boo him, despite him going 2-for-3 with a walk this evening**

You: ...hmm? Did something happen in the game?

Them: Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't watching.

You: Heh, I'm sure it's fine. **Phanatic's out of control ATV careens into the stands**

Aww, now why... why couldn't that just end nice.