:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/34954295/451388628.0.jpg)
Hello! Thank you for purchasing the 2014 Phillies Baseball Simulator! You may have previously enjoyed our 2007-2010 Simulators and returned our 2012 and 2013 Simulators. We are honored to have you back.
Today, the PHILLIES play the ATLANTA BRAVES in PHILADELPHIA (CBP)! The Phillies are 36-43 on the year -- that's very MEDIOCRE TO POOR. The Braves are 41-38 on the year -- that's very MEDIOCRE. Let's play ball!
In the first inning...the Phillies have a triple against ERVIN SANTANA! Wow! TONY GWYNN, JR is definitely a future ROTATIONAL OUTFIELDER! RYAN HOWARD has knocked him in with a SINGLE -- powerful stuff! The score is now 1-0 PHILLIES. Action? You selected "Score more runs." ERROR! More runs can not be scored with this offense. You have chosen "simulate to second inning." Okay!
In the second inning, the Phillies have stymied the BRAVES with their star pitcher FAUSTO CARMONA - ERROR! No player by any such name in database. Did you mean ROBERTO HERNANDEZ. You have hit "question mark." This is not a valid input. You have hit "y" -- yes! HERNANDEZ has helped the Phillies on offense and now that KOYIE HILL has doubled, he can help them on defense. Let us see what an expert has to say, without irony, about KOYIE HILL:
@Hegelbon he's the catcher of the future
— Bill Baer (@CrashburnAlley) June 28, 2014
WOW. That is very MILDLY EXCITING. ROBERTO HERNANDEZ is at bat: action? You have selected HOME RUN. ERROR! You have selected single. Success! The score is now 2-0 PHILLIES. You have asked for more runs. ERROR! This offense will not allow more runs. You have simulated the rest of the inning.
It is the TOP OF THE FOURTH and the BRAVES are threatening! A ball has been hit by FREDDIE FREEMAN at RYAN HOWARD. Action? You have said "field the ball." ERROR! Ryan Howard cannot field this ball. You have selected QUIT. ERROR! You cannot quit: baseball is for champions.
FREDDIE FREEMAN is on FIRST BASE and ANDRELTON SIMMONS is on THIRD. A ball has been hit by JUSTIN UPTON at RYAN HOWARD. Action? You have said "field the ball." ERROR! Ryan Howard cannot field this ball. You have again selected QUIT: ERROR! That action will now be disallowed. The BRAVES score one run.
JUSTIN UPTON is on FIRST. ERROR! JUSTIN UPTON is now on SECOND. After a JASON HEYWARD groundout, the score is now 2-2! CHRIS JOHNSON is at the plate and threatening -- this is very MARGINALLY ENTERTAINING. You have chosen to simulate the remainder of the inning.
It is the top of the 6th! The score is still 2-2 -- Everyone TOLERATES these OKAY HERNANDEZ-SANTANA duels! Wow! The BRAVES have TWO ON and ONE OUT with JUSTIN UPTON up to bat. Action? You selected "double play" ERROR! That action is not available in this extension; please purchase GOLD VERSION to unlock DOUBLE PLAYS. You have chosen "I don't care." ERROR! That is not a valid input.
JUSTIN UPTON has DOUBLED. The score is 4-2 BRAVES. Reminder: the QUIT button has been deactivated.
You have mashed the "skip ahead" button MANY times! It is the top of the EIGHTH inning! ANTONIO BASTARDO has relieved ROBERTO HERNANDEZ. Action? You have selected "get a hold." ERROR! ANTONIO BASTARDO has already allowed a hit and two walks and the bases are loaded. CHRIS JOHNSON is up to bat. CHRIS JOHNSON has SINGLED. You have clicked "undo." ERROR! NO CRYING IN BASEBALL. The score is 5-2 BRAVES.
TOMMY LA STELLA is up to bat. You have asked "who?" It is battlin TOMMY LA STELLA, the rollicking SECOND BASEMAN for the BRAVES and Number N/A in the Top Prospects List this year! Wow! Pitch to LA STELLA? You have entered "whatever, life is a horrible con." LA STELLA has tripled!! The score is now 8-3! You have selected "skip to last inning (mercy option)." FINE.
It is the BOTTOM OF THE NINTH. After two half innings, the Phillies have scored! ONE run! Wow! And the BRAVES have scored! ONE run! Wow! The score is 9-3 BRAVES. The PHILLIES won't go down easy though!
CESAR HERNANDEZ has STRUCK OUT.
JIMMY ROLLINS has FLIED OUT.
BEN REVERE is up to bat, and he has hit a FAIR BALL back into the box. He is OUT! You have entered "that's not how foul and fair balls work." ERROR! You cannot possibly care about this game. You have selected "agree."
TOUGH LOSS in today's BRUTAL BEATING. You'll get them MAYBE 1 OUT OF 3 TIMES. The QUIT button has been reactivated if you want to-
A CHART of your LOSS is available to print. Wow!
Source: FanGraphs
ERROR! This chart cannot be a win.