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Jarred Cosart Breaks Hearts, Minds with Innocent Memory

A look down memory road leads to all sorts of downward spirals for Phillies fans.

By Justin Klugh
Kevin C. Cox

As the Phillies check for any signs of progress among prospects acquired via trade - hmm? What was that? Did you do something, Phillippe Aumont? No? I thought that... just the wind? Sorry. I. Sorry.

Anyway, as the Phillies look for progress among their own as their former prospects make it to the big time in Astros uniforms, it's tough not to feel left out. Fortunately, Jarred Cosart came along and framed it all in a way that doesn't make it seem so bad.

So you see? I--oh.

Ha ha, you know what? That doesn't even really make me feel better. Kinda... kinda makes me feel worse.

[Eyes liquor cabinet hungrily]

No, no... not today, I promised the family.

But gosh, it was tough enough digesting that Santana news, but to have it all just... laid out like that, as if there was some wrinkle in the time that put things in a way they weren't meant to be, or, or, maybe just that they could have been different, if we, we...

[Eyebrow twitches involuntarily]

[Several hours later]

...and YOU.

You with your INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES that SAVED THE GIANTS POST SEASON. Where was all that keen leadership in 2012 when you were on a team that just needed someone - ANYONE - to take a step up and through the power of public speaking or even just the power not swinging at every fastball over their head to change the course of a season.

[Swigs bottle]

It's just so interesting to me that

[Swigs swigs swigs]

that all it took was a uniform change for all this natural leadrship to come spilling out like like like a

[Drops bottle, shatters]

like a bottle that you really wanted but now is gone forever. Seeping into the cracks of the floor boards where it will harden and stain until the faint scent of another lost evening lingers in this room for eternity, haunting people and reminding them of what might have been if you could just, just, I don't know, just, led a singalong.

And now the soccer team is dead and if I hear one more piece of less than hysterically good news I will... I will...

SHUT THE HELL UP

[Sun sets, rises out window]

[Clears throat, fixes hair]

So anyway, we wish Jarred and Domingo and Josh all the best as they begin what can only be the most exciting part of their lives. Have fun, guys! We'll be weeping. Watching! We'll be watching.

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