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Laffers, Whoppers and You-gotta-be-shitting-mes: One-sided Phillies games ranked with SCIENCE

Inspired by the Fairbanks Goldpanners' historic 26-7 whoopin' of the Anchorage Glacier Pilots last Saturday, I examine five of the most one-side Phillies' games ever.

That '9' in the 2nd is actually a '19.'  Also, this was taken at 10:30 PM.
That '9' in the 2nd is actually a '19.' Also, this was taken at 10:30 PM.
Henry Cole

This last saturday night, the Fairbanks Goldpanners trounced the Anchorage Glacier Pilots 26-7 in the semi-pro Alaska Baseball League. The Pilots, historically a rival of the 'Panners, are not a bad team this year, coming in with a 17-13 record overall.

Yet they lost so brutally that the game effectively ended with one out in the second inning, when Kris Paulino hit his second grand slam of the inning, in the manner of Fernando Tatis, pushing the score to 15-3. That inning, by the way, mercifully ended after over an hour, but not before 12 hits and five home runs, and a 19-3 score.

Some quick research (the records are spotty, especially what is publicly available) indicated that this was the highest scoring 'Panner game played in Alaska, and the second highest ever, behind a 30-4 drubbing of the Midlothian, Illinois White Sox in 1974.

This got me thinking. What is the most one-sided game in Goldpanners' history? The 1974 game, surely, though there are a few others. This is, after all, one of the most accomplished semi-pro teams, playing in the league with more MLB alumni than any other in the country. The 'Panners alone have sent 197 players to the majors since 1964, including Barry Bonds, Tom Seaver, Bob Boone and Jason Giambi. And Michael Young, if you're scoring at home. Furthermore, this is a team that has appeared in the National Baseball Congress' World Series 27 times in 50 years, winning six times en route to a 120-46 record in the tournament.

Worth noting is that the Pilots have won the NBC tournament five times, finishing second to the 'Panners three times.

Of course, it's likely that most readers of this post aren't going to care much about the Alaska Baseball League, and would prefer something about the Phillies, so, with that lengthy introduction, I give you the five most one-sided games in Phillies' history.

And, remember, as with all lists like this: I'm using all-American opinion-based Science, so feel free to quibble.

5. June 11, 1985: Phillies 26, Mets 7.

The fifth place Phils wasted no time in this one, chasing the second place Mets' starter Tom Gorman with one out in the first on their way to a nine run inning, followed by chasing reliever Calvin Schiraldi with two outs in the second en route to a seven run inning. At this point, Steve Jeltz came in to replace Mike Schmidt, and the game was over but for the formalities. Larry Anderson pitched a scoreless ninth for the "save."

4. July 6th, 1929: Cardinals 28, Phillies 6.

A dark day. The Cardinals chased two Phillies pitchers in the first without recording an out, en route to a 10 run inning. The Phils meekly answered back with four runs over the next four innings, before allowing a second 10 run inning. Way to go, fellas. The Cards' Chick Hafey (remember when Chick was a guys' nickname?) raked two doubles and a homer, for a seven RBI day. The Phils would tally 17 hits on the day, but Cards' starter Fred Frankhouse finished with a complete game win, on probably 9,000 pitches. This game was played at the infamous Baker Bowl, and notes "Field Condition: Unknown." Probably true.

3. September 13, 1925: (Brooklyn) Robins 10, Phillies 1.

Another few years in the Wayback Machine brings us to another season in the Dead Zone of Phillies baseball. This year's edition of the Phillies was third in the league in scoring, at 5.3 runs per game. Unfortunately, they were in last place on the other side of the table, allowing 6 runs per game. But on this particular day, both parts of the Phils' limited playbook were ripped apart. Brooklyn scored four in the first and four in the fourth, tagging three pitchers for 15 total hits. What makes this a real blowout, though, is what the Phils did at the plate: nothing. Dazzy Vance (no slouch in his own right) no-hit the Phils, allowing only a single walk and nine strikeouts. The lone run came via error.

2. July 14, 1934: Phillies 18, Reds 0.

Ahh, here we go. This is more like it. The 7th place Phils walked all over the last place Reds in one of the most lopside games ever. Piling five runs in the first to chase a pair of pitchers, the Phils unloaded 11 more in the second, putting things out of reach. Moreso, however, Phils' pitcher Snipe Hansen (there's an action movie name for you) limited the Reds to just four hits and two walks in a complete game shutout. Now, granted, this was a terrible Cincinnati team, but however you slice it, that's a domination.

1. July 6th, 2009: Phillies 22, Reds 1.

Suck it, Reds. Johnny Cueto recorded just two outs, was tagged for five hits, three walks, and a hit batsman, and all nine of those guys scored. The Phils would lead 10-0 after the first, and 16-1 by the fourth, before calming down somewhat. In the eighth, though, the Reds brought Paul Janish in to pitch. With one out, Matt Stairs drew a walk, Jimmy Rollins singled, Shane Victorino singled, Eric Bruntlett doubled, John Mayberry drew a walk, and Jayson Werth hit a grand slam. Meanwhile, Cole Hamels, held the Reds to one run on three hits, alongside only a pair of strikeouts (this is the year he was bad, remember?). He also doubled, driving in two runs. In the first.

So there you have it, folks. Science has determined that these are the five most one-sided games in Phillies history. Do you agree? Disagree? Remember, Science is fun because everyone can do it their own way!