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Phillies hang out with Chase Utley's future team

With trade rumors flying, the Phillies play host to the Giants, one of many teams who are better than they are.

Hunter Pence grapples with the reality of forgetting to buy fruit roll-ups.
Hunter Pence grapples with the reality of forgetting to buy fruit roll-ups.
Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies: A.J. Burnett to the Orioles? Yeah, okay.  Marlon Byrd to the Mariners? Fine, fine. Jonathan Papelbon to 3,000 miles away? Not hard to get behind.

The rumor mill didn't appreciate how little it was hurting us, and finally went into overdrive - teams are after Chase Utley now, and one of them is coming to town.

The Giants: These poor Giants; they had it all in April and May, but then in June, they just weren't getting as many "clutch hits," as if that concept is entirely meaningless. Many of the Giants stayed late, working long hours to get their clutchest muscles and instincts back to where they were at the beginning of the season, but alas.

But righteous day, my friends, the Giants' offense has resurfaced and that interminable slumber that made June such a bore is over, and they're back to having not many problems. They're one of those teams that can have a month of bad offense that actually distinguishes itself from their normal offense, rather than a team that has a bad offense as its normal offense, and therefore refers to it merely as "the offense." The Phillies don't have a good offense, I'm saying.

That's who they always are, though, isn't it? They're clutch and they hustle and they dance.  (This next song is by Brandon Belt the Concussion Symptoms).

Well, hey, we can dance too, right?!

That's Chase's signature move, the "I'll Fucking Tolerate your Little Circus but I will be Dead in the Cold, Cold Earth Before you get me to be your Dancing God Damn Monkey."

Isn't he a hoot!

Heavy Hitters

Hunter Pence

It's all going so well for you, isn't it Hunter? Hitting close to .300, being second in the NL in hits, runs, and at-bats. Gosh, just thinking about you and Chase in Giants uniforms together is enough to make this laptop sore across the room and not work for a while.

Pablo Sandoval

Sandoval gave up the use of his elbow in exchange for his 100th career home run before the All-Star break. That black magic is behind him now and he's back to hitting super annoying three-run home runs.

Grady Sizemore

Sizemore is 5-for-8 in the past week, with a double. This summer, he's... Making the Grady! Starring Rory McCann as Grady Sizemore.

Ben Revere

He's done it. Ben Revere has the highest BA of any Phillies starter, at .291. He has the second lowest OPS with .660. At 165 lbs., he's also not very heavy.

Probable Starters

7/21 - Ryan Vogelsong/Cliff Lee

7/22 - Matt Cain/Roberto Hernandez

7/23 - Madison Bumgarner/A.J. Burnett

Cliff Lee, owner of Philadelphia's heart, the white knight, lance clutched in his left hand, trotting in on an indifferent horse, coming to a stop in front of an army of Giants, sliding his visor up to a reveal a rather bored expression, and breathing a gentle sigh, as well as a whispered "Whatever." Good to have you back, Clifton, if only for a little while.

With all the teams too scared to go after David Price at his back, Lee will be auditioning for contenders with holes in their rotation in one of two scheduled performances prior to the trade deadline, while Ryan Vogelsong does not possess the skill to avoid the constant threat of demotion or displacement. He went 6.1 innings in his last start, allowed only two earned runs and let his ERA settle in at 3.86 for the year, so if he's the Giants' worst pitching option, than gods have smiled upon the Giants.

Matt Cain, like Tim Lincecum, just isn't Matt Cain anymore (Though in Lincecum's case, he just isn't Tim Lincecum anymore, not Matt Cain - though I guess he also isn't Matt Cain anymore, either). Now, with a wonky elbow, he's even less intimidating. And speaking of not intimidating, weakened Matt Cain will face Roberto Hernandez, who came off a terrible start to deliver a quality start and remains the guy most likely to get bumped out of the rotation upon Cliff Lee's, albeit temporary, return. How does this make you feel? Much like Cain in regards to his elbow, "I'm feeling how I'm feeling."

Then there's Burnett, who unlike Lee is not presumed to have to wait until August to be traded. Baltimore and Pittsburgh are already at the door, but seeing as those are probably the only teams to whom he would allow himself to be traded, you could say 100% of all teams are interested in A.J. Burnett.

He only lasted 77 pitches in his last start, getting knocked around by Barves for 10 hits, six earned runs, and subsequent 4.00+ ERA. But people know he's better than that, right? Ha ha ha. He's better than that. Look just give us that top prospect.

Then there's Bumgarner, who was recently put in a pretty difficult position. As long as Burnett can pitch around him, he shouldn't be too huge of a threat.