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Speeyack: Pirates 8, Phillies 2

I hope you watched something else. I wish I had.

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

/queues "Phillies Lost Again Sonata" in the key of "Everything Went Wrong"

I hope everyone out there is enjoying their Independence Day. We live in the land of the free, a land where the Phillies are free to lose as they please. And they exercised that right today, losing to the Pirates 8-2. Apparently I don't have the right to watch the Phillies win today, because "that's not how it works" and "the stupidest thing anyone's ever said" but whateverrrrrrrrrrrr.

There wasn't anything that went right today. Well, that's not true. One thing went right. In the sixth inning, Chase Utley hit a single to right and Ben Revere scored. A hit that did not cause any outs, and advanced the runners.

But everything else went wrong. Roberto Hernandez absolutely imploded, allowing four runs in the first inning. He was almost out of it, too. With two outs and a runner on first, he could get out of the inning without allowing any runs. Instead, he let the next five hitters reach, and that's when the four runs would score. Hernandez threw 46 pitches in the first inning, which is a lot. He'd last 5 2/3 innings, allowing five runs total on 10 (!?) hits and four walks.

So the starting pitching was bad. The relief pitching? Also bad. Justin De Fratus came in to relieve Hernandez, and while he got out of the sixth inning, he allowed two runs in the seventh (just one earned, auuuuugh). He also allowed a run in his last appearance back on July 1, which is when his scoreless streak ended. B.J. Rosenberg pitched the eighth inning and allowed a run, because he is terrible.

The offense was putrid. They had just two hits on the day. Two. Two! Their scoring chances came in the top of the sixth inning, when Pirates' reliever Stolmy Pimentel, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A PIRATE NAME, ARRRGH, gave up four walks and one hit before being lifted. When pirate-name-haver Stolmy Pimentel was removed from the game, the bases were loaded with no outs. Jared Hughes replaced him, and on the first pitch Marlon Byrd grounded into a double play. A run scored, but the two outs were costly. Cody Asche struck out in the next at-bat, and the inning was over.

If you thought that was all, you'd be wrong. They also blew on defense! The only error of the game was charged to Cesar Hernandez in the seventh, when his throw took Ryan Howard off the first base bag. If you watched the game, which I hope you didn't, you might be wondering why that was the only error. That's because you saw this play:


(.gif via Crashburn Alley)

Yup. That happened. And was somehow ruled a triple in Andrew McCutchen's favor. To me, it looks like the ball is in Ben Revere's glove until he collides with John Mayberry Jr. I'm not sure how that isn't an error on someone!

I'm cursed. I haven't recapped a win since June 25. I barely remember what a win feels like.

Source: FanGraphs