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Wet Luzinski's Manfred Manifesto: A Shock to the Baseball System

In which a poet advocates that baseball consider starting to be in the process of adopting best practices to leverage increased accountability, which we all so sorely lack because we are bad, bad people who deserve to be shocked into a new reality.

Faster, pussycat! Go go go!
Faster, pussycat! Go go go!
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Shock collars.

Let's take it completely out of the hands of the umpires to enforce the unenforced 12-second pitch rule, and simply put shock collars on pitchers that are timed to count down 25 seconds after ball hits bat or glove. Your choice, boys! We have the technology and, let's face it, there are so many slow pitchers I'd like to see shocked (cough cough Jonathan Papelbon). Plus, it would provide delicious suspense and/or a new, draftable tool set of thick-necked pitchers.

One-minute between-inning breaks.

Five pitches to warm up. Hell, maybe not any at all. Okay, fine, three. Jack up the advertising rates to make up the difference. Accountability mechanism: shock collars.

Regular-season ties.


Move to a points system like soccer and hockey: three points for a win, one for a tie. Let's just go home. Sure, we'll miss out on folk heroes like Mitch Williams and Wilson Valdez, but stop it. You need the sleep. I need the sleep. Mitch Williams is a terrorist. If playoffs must be expanded, use extra innings then and only then. Measure of success: a sub-one hour long Yankees-Red Sox game.

Solve the DH Rule Once and for All.

Every team can use a DH, but it would go like this: Coin flip before the game. Winning manager gets to decide: Use the DH, but if you do, you have to play the game with a limit of four substitutions, pitchers or hitters. In the playoffs you could expand this to 6 players given the possibility of extra innings (see above). Perhaps add a mercy rule in that version of the game. The other game, the "NL classic" is unlimited subs, but the pitchers have to hit.

Make College Players Ineligible for the Draft Until they Have a bachelor's degree. Or hell, let's not be elitist. An associate's is fine, too.

Once you go to college, you gotta finish whatever degree program you select. My hope here is to make a mockery of somebody here: MLB, the NCAA, agents, college athletic departments, someone. And to have guys get degrees, because isn't an education is a marvelous thing?

Let Pete Rose Into the Hall of Fame.

But with a shock collar. Your choice, buddy!