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Loopy: Phillies 7, Cardinals 1

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Suck it, Cardinals. Enjoy not being in the playoffs! Or enjoy being in the playoffs, as your playoff fate hasn't been decided yet!

HERO
HERO
Brian Garfinkel

I've been suffering from some back pain this weekend and have taken some medication to ease my situation. Of course, a side effect of these pills is that everything stops making sense. But I still have to recap the game, so here I go.

OK, first inning. Why does this inning seem long? Did Jerome Williams throw sixty pitches something? But the Phillies scored a run, which I remember happening, but I don't remember anything about it. "Yay they scored a run!" I said, watching it happen in front of me, and yet remembering no specific details about it.

Second inning now, or so the TV tells me. Whoopsie, the ball must be covered in grease because Cody Asche can't seem to hold on to it! Hey look, Dom Brown got a hit. Anytime he does something good I'm surprised. I feel like he's the Wile E. Coyote of the Phillies sometimes. He keeps trying and trying but can't get it right and sometimes the Roadrunner has changed the game on him and he doesn't notice until it's too late. He just went first to third on an Asche single, and I'm amazed there wasn't an anvil waiting for him at third, or third base had been replaced with a pile of birdseed with a stick of dynamite in the middle of it. OK, wait. It appears that there are a lot of things happening. Brown and Asche are no longer on the bases and the score is more, so I think they scored.

Third inning is what comes after the second inning. I'm doing OK so far. WAIT RYAN HOWARD JUST WALKED. I checked my phone to make sure I didn't hallucinate that. And I think I accidentally dozed or something because the score is 5-0 Phillies somehow. Is Justin Masterson bad? It seems like he might be bad.

Ha ha suck it Cardinals! And also Phillies! Wait.

Fourth inning -- It's a good thing that Ben Revere is good at other things because he is not a good fielder. Domonic Brown also needs work, even though he says his lack of playing time is responsible for that. To that I say "NOPE". He's played a ton this year and has been a crappy defender throughout.

THANKS FOR SCREWING UP JEROME WILLIAMS GUYS. NOW HE'LL NEVER WANT TO PLAY WITH US AGAIN.

By the way I've already had to go through this recap and remove all the times I wrote "Hernandez" and replace them with "Williams" because I keep thinking that Roberto Hernandez is still pitching for this team, which he is not.

Now I feel better.

FUTURE PHILLIES NEWS BREAK

We now return you to your current Phillies programming, already in progress.

Once Nick Greenwood came into the game for the Cardinals, the game got kind of boring until Jimmy Rollins hit a home run. It was Jimmy's 16th of the year, just his third batting from the right side. It chased Greenwood for the game, but I'm guessing he didn't actually run off the field as if he was being chased by several demented Phanatics. That probably the medication talking. But when medication does that to your perception, it's probably less talking and more yelling at you.

It's the eighth inning and Jerome Williams is still pitching. Still! He did it, he pitched eight full inning and gave up just one run! That is so much more than I expected from the guy that the Astros and Rangers had kicked to the curb. And the guy I keep mistaking for Roberto Hernandez. It's not Roberto Hernandez, is it? He's changed his name once, he could do it again! Though Jerome Williams is an odd choice.

Favorite Jerome Williams tweet of the day:

And now the game is over and the Phillies scored more runs than the Cardinals, so that means they won! Right? Let's go with that. The Phillies won back-to-back series for the first time since April 21-27, 2014. Since then, there have been 33 series played. THAT IS A LOT OF SERIES. But then again, there are a lot of baseball games. 162 of them in a season! And with this game over, we have just 32 left. I'm torn between wanting to enjoy each and every game, and wanting them to all be over as quickly as possible.

This game was under three hours. Get out there and enjoy your Sunday, world. I'll be here, moving as little as possible and babbling random nonsense at inopportune times.