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Umpire Joe West suspended for Papelbon jersey grab

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After giving Joe West a punishment that amounts to a light, recreational hand slap, Joe Torre now considers the Papelcrotch Incident closed.

Seriously, look at West's face. What is up with that.
Seriously, look at West's face. What is up with that.
Rich Schultz

MLB has fired its final shot in what I like to call the Papelcrotch Incident. They've suspended umpire/human jowl Joe West, who ejected Jonathan Papelbon on Sunday, for one game without pay. West grabbed Papelbon's jersey during their heated post-ejection exchange, and for that he gets one whole game. Earlier this week Papelbon received a seven game suspension for, well, grabbing himself.

MLB's own Joe Torre released a statement, and I urge you to read it below because it will make your head hurt.

That statement actually ends up eating itself. I like how it begins by saying "Joe West handled himself appropriately" and ends with "he admitted there was a better way to handle the situation." There's a deference to Joe West (and umpires in general) in that statement that I do not understand, and it's a deference that isn't present whenever they talk about a player.

Plus, if initiating contact with a player is one of the absolute no-nos of umpiring, then a one-game suspension is laughable. Umpires are pretty much free to be terrible at their jobs, because they will never be seriously punished for it. That's a pretty attractive reason to become an umpire, if you ask me. Until I remember that if I did become an umpire, everyone would hate me. (Also, I'm a woman, and the unofficial umpiring rules stipulate that being in possession of a uterus disqualifies me from the job.)

On the plus side, at least we as a society will have one game without having to watch Joe West's flesh-covered doorknob head quivering and rippling every time he moves. The man truly is The Human Jowl.