Predicting the future is hard. Just ask all the weather forecasters who told us about the blizzard of 2015 and the massive amounts of snow that were heading Philadelphia's way.
Refusing to hang their heads this morning, these same folks have banded together to predict the Phillies 2015 season. You can take these forecasts to Las Vegas and get rich. They guarantee it, just like those 14 to 22 inches of snow that are blanketing Center City today.
- Ryan Howard will hit 72 home runs over the course of the season. After July 31, those home runs will be hit for the Red Sox, who will trade Mookie Betts, Blake Swihart, Henry Owens, AND Rusney Castillo to the Phillies in exchange for the rejuvenated first baseman. And yes, we mean first baseman, as Howard's defense will rebound to Rafael Palmeiro 1999 levels.
- Domonic Brown will win the NL MVP award. And a Gold Glove.
- Cliff Lee's arm injury will be a thing of the past, as he averages over 135 pitches per game all season with an ERA under 2.00. After the season, the Phillies trade Lee to the Mariners for Jesus Sucre.
- When Jimmy Rollins returns to Philadelphia on August 4, he will be greeted with huge cheers throughout the game, prompting him to switch sides to play for the Phillies August 5 and August 6. Rollins hits the game winning home run for the Phillies in both games, playing stellar defense and rejuvenating the Phillies' Howard-less roster. Ryne Sandberg complains after the series that Rollins is a loafer who doesn't know how to play the game the right way.
- Cole Hamels pitches a perfect game on Opening Day. And then retires.
- Chase Utley starts to bring his dogs onto the field with him when he is playing defense. The umpires say nothing to Chase, fearing his death stare.
- Ken Giles comes to spring training throwing 115 mph, after an off-season training regimen in Miami under the tutelage of Alex Rodriguez.
- The baby aces in the minors, Aaron Nola, Zach Eflin, Tom Windle, and Ben Lively, progress to form a dominant rotation in Lehigh Valley. They make the big league team out of spring training in 2016 and become the most dominant foursome in baseball for the next decade. They all enter the Hall of Fame together as first-balloters, wearing Phillies hats of course, in 2041.
- Kyle Kendrick signs with the Phils in March.
- Carlos Ruiz will eat ice cream on the field after every Phillies win.
- John Middleton gains majority ownership of the Phillies, sells his shares to Ruben Amaro Jr. for $1 total, and Amaro anoints himself King of All Things Phillies.
Trust us, we know what we're talking about.