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How to talk to your family about the Phillies this Thanksgiving

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Maybe this isn't your family. That's probably good.

Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

It's Thanksgiving. Everyone's pissed. Don't re-piss everyone off by introducing the topic of your favorite baseball team.

Well, crap; you've done it. Way to go. Why not consult a Phillis blog prior to any life decisions, like a sane person? Too late now, though. This time, you're on your town.

Dad's already picking his fork up off the floor and grumbling while he pretends to consider getting up to clean it off. Any long term observer of his behavior knows those cat hairs and yesterday's lunch crumbs aren't going anywhere. Mom sighs, knowing interjections of "Please, not this year," are useless. Grandma's boyfriend begins telling a story about the time he pushed a vagrant to the ground outside Shibe Park, unwittingly giving momentum to a conversation no one wants to have. Your grandmother's vicious kicks of his leg under the table go unsensed - that's the one he lost playing football, back when the game meant something.

So, now, everyone's eyes are on you, champ. You breached the topic of the sports team your father spent all summer cursing at before Eagles camp started and he could walk across the street and curse at the NovaCare Complex instead. Now you've got to finish it. What do you have planned?

The front office is looking good

Front office? Please. You know what I'd make my first move in there? Fire that "Ruin Tomorrow." [Pauses to bathe in the applause which such cleverness is awarded in modern society]. Do you realize this team has done slowly worse ever since the World Series in 2008? 2009, they lost the World Series. 2010, they lost the NLCS. 2011, they lo

But Ruben Amaro doesn't work there anymore

Well good riddance to that loser. It'll be a long time before he works in baseball, I'll tell you that much.

He's the first base coach of the Red Sox now

[angrily chews tough piece of turkey]

Anyway, I just think it's cool they're employing a more modern take on analysis

Yeah, well, I don't know if building a new computer is going to fix Ryan Howard. Have you heard about this guy's contract? He strikes out all the time! At least he did when he actually played. Now they just keep him around so they don't have to play that kid, what's his name.

...

What's his name.

...

You know, the young guy with the baby face, he hits all the home runs on the team now.

Darin Ruf

Yeah!

He's 29

So? You're 29, and we're all still holding out for you to find a career path that works. And you don't even have a worthless DH blocking you, who Ruben Amaro refuses to trade to the American League, where he belongs.

It's Matt Klentak now. He was hired in October

It's all the same! Bunch of guys in suits who've never played the game.

You should care! You've been complaining about Ruben Amaro for six years! And he was a player!

I'm just saying, the Phillies owe this city a lot ever since 1964. That season was so debilitating I almost dropped out of school to work in a factory.

You were eight years old in 1964

This country used to be very different. Hey speaking of people being 29--

Uh

When are you going to stop fooling around with that Xbox and go on some dates. I just saw the Phillies are partnering with Match.com. I know, I know - 85% of people who use online dating are murdered and eaten by cats. It's a fact. That's what happened to the McCarnsey's son, you know. Or was that Craigslist. Yeah, the Craigslist killer got him.

That didn't happen

I just talked to Jean today. She was blowing leaves into the street and every time a car went by they'd blow back into the yard. I think she just doesn't want to go back inside. Things are... [squints]... 'stressed' between her and Dan ever since Sean got kicked out of college.

You just said the Craigslist killer got him

I can't remember now. It was one of the two.

Mmm

The point is, clearly it takes a lot to get you to tear yourself away from Phillies internet stuff...

Clearly

...so it's pretty nice that you could meet someone without looking up from your phone. You'd love that! You two could have little phone babies.

Hey, who wants more corn?

Don't ignore me when I say this: grand children.

There's no corn on the table, is there? I'll go make some

I know your entire generation will be sterile from laptops, so you better put some effort in now in case the whole world is barren in a few years.

Hey, how about Ken Giles? Should they just trade him?

Giles? They're only good player? If they traded him, that's it. They'd lose me. I know I've said that every year since 1982, but this is different. Unless the trade is for Chase Utley. That would be okay I think.

It's not really accurate to say he's the "only good--" wait why are you handing me your tablet

I just brought up the Match.com screen so you'd know what it looks like.

Great, thanks. Not a lot of room on the table right now

This is important, though. I'll put it over here for later. Maybe during dessert.

Oh, look - there totally is corn. Why didn't anybody tell me before

So who else felt like Utley really got a raw deal in the playoffs?

Hey, back to baseball. Great. Yeah, that was sort of a complex issue

Not complex from where I'm sitting. That's just the kind of player Utley is - he'll take out your knees in front of your kids, if he has to. Then he'll take their knees out, too. That's how the game was meant to be played.

Yes, the inventors of baseball cite "child maiming" quite often in the original documents

I'm just saying you can't blame him.

You can't blame him because no one before him, doing the same thing, had been blamed either. And they certainly hadn't been suspended. To suddenly enforce a rule that doesn't exist is silly

I agree with Larry Bowa--

Uh oh

That shortstop put himself in harm's way!

The shortstop put himself in harm's way by being at shortstop

Don't use that "dry sarcasm" on me. I've been on the internet. I know that's pretty much what is. That and serial killers posing as seductive lovers.

Can't argue with any of that

Damn right. Now when I was playing softball in my church league, I [Very loud sound of chair being pushed away from table, thus beginning a 45-minute explanation of where a shortstop is supposed to be during a double play]... and that's why I kicked Keith in his tooth. Is it way more awkward to get Communion from him now? Yes. The point is, what's done is done.

Fine, whatever

And now for my thoughts on Syrian refugees

[Messily eats just a ton of corn]