By now, you have heard.
"Ken Giles has been traded!" bellowed the street urchins as the sun rose this morning. Their prepubescent shouts echoed up the bricks through your bedroom window, and you could only lift your tear-stained cheeks off your pillow long enough to scream into the phone that you would not be coming into work today.
And why should you? All of the players on the Phillies you idolized and/or were deeply attracted to are gone. In the past year we've lost Chase, Jimmy, Cole, Chase's arms, Jake Diekman, and Chase's face. We can't even run Jonathan Papelbon out of town again.
Now, we're left with a squad of David Hernandez's taking the field on opening day. Curse this wretched sport! Curse its unforgivable business side, warping our rosters steals our heroes!
And yet, somehow, the team still has a small contingent of young players, just for you. This is a rebuild after all, so go ahead!Roll out of bed, down the stairs, and into the souvenir shop, where after they get you to stand up off the floor, you should feel free to learn nothing from your experience of buying Ben Revere and Ken Giles jerseys and go ahead and fling some of that hard-earned cash at another young player's future. Just remember you should probably stop calling out every time the Phillies make a roster move, because, you know, you need money for this.
A few suggestions:
- Fun hair
- Once destroyed all of New York in a single weekend
- Is the future
- Abilities somehow include both hitting, fielding
- "Maikel Jack" nickname syncs up eerily well with both legends of the past and what is a future of destiny
- Has only slightly fewer grievances with Phillies than you do
- Has appeared as a bobblehead on a unicycle in honor of hitting for the cycle
- Young enough that newspapers, and any inevitable columns within them decrying his style or attitude or leadership, are obsolete
- Faked wrist injury just to avoid NL ROY contention and keep Phillies' rebuild under the radar
- Philadelphians already trying to murder each other to get one of his home run balls
- Sort of stands like Albert Pujols in the box, and therefore is his successor
- Hit a grand slam right in Jimmy Rollins' face, announcing himself as new "cool guy" in town
- New and interesting, in that we don't know enough about him yet to judge him for taking bad routes or trying to bang a mermaid
- Easily pitiable after being savaged by Phillies fans online
- Inevitable "Let's Talk About Socks, Baby" headline
- Has been adored by at least one puppy
- Son's name is "Maxton," therefore destined to become protagonist of YA sci-fi anthology
- Sure to receive "scrappy, gritty" mantle from fans but may steal enough bases to outrun it
- Seems like he would be small, but isn't
- Has to spend 10 hours every day in a full sprint on a treadmill just burn off dangerous levels of speed
- Can routinely make catch while running away from a fly ball, destroying Willie Mays' legacy a little more each time
- Umpires rule that if he can make it to the parking lot to catch an out-of-play ball, it counts as six outs
- Has traveled fast enough to shake hands with Sonic the Hedgehog, described him as "standoffish"
- Fun hair
- Is simultaneously the new Jimmy Rollins (benched for disciplinary reasons) and the new Shane Victorino (Frantic centerfielder with heart of gold)
- Flamboyance infuriates old white people
- Cool thing to say: "O-double"
- Does celebratory "El Torito" gesture after getting on base; became so infectious even Chase Utley almost did it
- Still working out kinks in collaborative hand gestures with manager
- Went all the way to the Dominican to keep playing baseball in the winter, is that even legal
- Feel like it needs be be reiterated that word "double" is almost right there in his name
- Any success maintains Phillies' standing as the sport's top Rule 5 drafter, which gives them home field advantage for entire regular season
- Is not afraid to use his bat to show the ground how he truly feels about a pop-up
- Still looking for nickname
- Without veteran presence to keep him and other young pitchers in line, has been smoking cigarettes and doing donuts in clubhouse on dirt bike while a flustered Pete Mackanin puts hands on hips
- Last name is nickname of city in his home state, which is really something
- At 22, has yet to be corrupted by the intense evil at the center of modern baseball
- Raised in Phillies farm system and free of toxic indoctrination from other stupid franchises
- Same height as Peter Bourjos, making them best friends by law
- Has a brother who also plays professional baseball, Phillies have clearly tapped into fertile bloodline
- Deemed staff ace without even having "ace" stuff, incredible
- Gave up only run in MLB debut to opposing pitcher as a joke, choosing not to show up entire lineup, even though he clearly could have
- His jersey is probably in your closet already, you just don't wear it out of fear that an old person will stop you, clutching your arm weakly (you know you could pull away from their grasp at any moment, but doing so would cause them to stumble forward and any witnesses might claim you got aggressive with them) and explain the reasons they don't think Howard deserves "all of that money." Guess what some of the reasons are: He stinks! Golly.
- Is Ryan Howard
- Wearing jersey reminds you of a time when you were young enough to derive genuine enjoyment from "sports"
- You didn't used to think/know that all of the 1993 Phillies were roid-ragin' hound dogs
- Last name was Harry Kalas' favorite word to say, a massive honor from a man whose job was to say words
- Was running a hardware store in a small town when Phillies called to have him coach minor league team
- Might be among five or six best infielders on current roster
- Completed unassisted triple play in 1992, ensuring Eric Bruntlett would not become Phillies legend
- Will assume everyone is as fast as he was and put on the steal sign during every play, even if Pete Mackanin is shaking head frantically in dugout or there are no runners on