A lot of people didn't think you could associate the Phillies with the World Series for some time, but they forgot about the monstrous citadel in Las Vegas where team odds for various championships are churned out of ancient machines around the clock. The clock, in this case, is a series of numbers that have been counting down for as long as human civilization has existed. What will happen when it reaches zero? On that day, we will learn a horrifying truth. But until then, debauchery! Vegas is a crazy place.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: After being quizzed briefly, it has become apparent that Justin has not only never been to Las Vegas, but could not find it on a map or at times pronounce it correctly.]
Yes, it is almost soothing to know that regardless of the state of the Phillies' rebuild, regardless of how many Charlie Morton's are on the team, there will forever be some device in the universe measuring how far they are from baseball's highest honor - winning a World Series (though the "highest honor" is a hotly debated issue in the sport, with "a kiss on the mouth from Vin Scully" becoming a more and more prominent challenger in recent years).
Things were looking grim for the Phillies' World Series odds when the offseason began, but with each thrilling move by Matt Klentak, they've inched closer to their goal. Is the team that has gone out and acquired James Russell and J.P. Arencibia really making a push for the top spot? No. But mathematically, the Klentak regime is closer than ever to their ultimate goal.
Of course, the other doomsday clock that counts down to each Giants championship in an even year is also on its way down; that clock consistently brings a bleak and terrible future upon us every other year. Surely, their next villainous romp through the playoffs, slobbering all over everybody and boring an entire nation - oh, your players weren't supposed to be good, but they are? Gosh what a fun story, again - will be soon upon us.
But that's nothing worth bulging your eyes over. More importantly, the Phillies have halved their World Series odds to the point that they are barely in the triple digits anymore. And they've managed to catch the league's other most festering open wounds, being tied for last place with 100/1 odds with the likes of the Rockies, Reds, Braves, and Padres! Hot dog!
So sleep tightly this holiday season, Phillies fans! You may have given up on the Phillies in 2016, but a primeval apparatus, forever calculating sports odds in a jagged spire of the Vegas skyline and fueled by the wailing phantoms of trapped souls [EDITOR'S NOTE: no] is keeping hope alive.