With that in mind, I have used the powers of SCIENCE! to exhaustively and conclusively assemble this All-Star team of current or former Phillies with the best facial hair, and I have to say, this team, in their primes, could hold their own against most or many All-something teams. So, without further ado, here they are: Your Scfuffy Philly All-Stars!
Catcher - Sal Fasano - In 2006, Fasano's distinctive Fu Manchu was the highlight of his one-season stint with the Phillies. Brought in to backup Mike Lieberthal, he didn't hit well and was ultimately traded to the Yankees. Unfortunately, due to the Yankees' intolerably un-American heartlessness, Fasano was required to lose the 'stache shortly after.
First Base - Dan Brouthers - Brouthers' appearance with the Phillies was equally brief, occuring in 1896 in the penultimate season of his Hall of Fame career. Then 38, Big Dan OPS'd a solid .907 for the last place Phillies, being bested only by Ed Delahanty.
Second Base - Chase Utley - You all know what I'm talking about. Yeah. World Fucking Champions.
Third Base - Mike Schmidt - Admit it. When you read the headline, you thought of this guy. When asked about baseball mustaches by ESPN in 2011, he suggested Al Hrabosky's "kung fu" was the tops. The Original World Fucking Champions.
Shortstop - Dickie Thon - Known more as a highly-touted Astro newcomer than a light-hitting Phillie, Thon's career was derailed in 1984 after he took a fastball to the eye. He recovered enough to play until 1993, including three years as the Phils' primary shortstop.
Left Field - Glenn Wilson - For his titanic throwing arm and shirtless baseball bandoleers, Glennbo became a fan favorite, particularly of The Good Phight's David Cohen. He also hit the first two home runs ever allowed by Randy Johnson, despite not being a particularly powerful hitter.
Center Field - Garry Maddox - If, as Harry Kalas famously said, "two thirds of the Earth is covered by water, and one-third by Garry Maddox," then it must also be said that two thirds of Garry Maddox's head is covered by fantastic hair, and only one-third by a hat.
Right Field - Sam Thompson - As the leader of the infamous 1894 Phillies Outfield that combined slashed an insane .409/.478/.585/1.063 (another era, but damn), Thompson, whose father served in the Civil War, also averaged 0.92 RBIs per game for his career, which is a record that may never be broken. Also he kinda looks like Kaiser Wilhelm.
Starting Pitcher - Tim Keefe - The third of our 19th century men, Smilin' Tim's career began in 1880, when the mound was 45' away from home. Nevertheless, he finished the season with 12 complete games (out of 12 starts) and an ERA+ of 293. By the time he played his last game with the Phillies in 1893, the mound had been moved back to 60.5', and Keefe had rung up 2,564 strikeouts and 554 complete games. For what it's worth, Keefe's Baseball-Reference similarity score has Steve Carlton ranked fourth... as a hitter.
Starting Pitcher - Roy Halladay - While with the Phillies, Halladay's facial hair always made me think of a guy who just stopped shaving two weeks ago, rather than a sculpted look of any particular kind. Now that he's retired, he has, somewhat ironically, made his "only gonna get funner" remark ring true. While the Phillies didn't take Doc to the World Championship that he deserved, he's become one of the best follows on Twitter.
Relief Pitcher - Sparky Lyle - Sparky was acquired to shore up the bullpen on the 1980 championship team, but was unable to pitch in the postseason because the trade was in September. After a solid finish to '80, he struggled the following years and was moved to the White Sox in 1982. His time with the Phillies was notable in that he allowed more walks (51) than strikeouts (47), yet avoided being a complete disaster somehow.
Relief Pitcher - Steve Bedrosian - Bedrock Steve earned the Phils their first Cy Young in six thousand years as a closer in 1987. He does hold one notable major league record: in 1985 with Atlanta, he started thirty-seven games and didn't finish a single one.
Backup IF - Eric Bruntlett - Beardo was a terrible hitter. He was decent enough in the field, and could in fact play anywhere on the diamond without seriously injuring himself, but, realistically, after the Astros' 2005 World Series defeat, his bats should have been taken away and burned. He'd have been less of a threat to himself that way. Bruntless' big claim to fame was the unassisted triple play he turned against the Mets in 2009.
Backup OF - Greg Gross - Every team needs a pinch hitter. Sometimes you can get away with using a regular on an off-day, but having a dedicated guy is the best. That's how Gross was able to parlay a mediocre skill-set into the Phillies' team record with 117 pinch hits. A PA native (York), Gross was drafted by the Astros, where he had a full-time job for a couple years. After being traded to the Phils, he lost it and was relegated to backup duty, where he excelled. His tenure as hitting coach, however, was short-lived, as he was solely to blame for the disappointing 2012 season.
Manager - Harry Wright - It's one thing to joke about having a Civil War General mustache. Harry Wright was a Civil War General. Or, at least, he should have been, based on his facial hair. He was certainly the right age, being born in 1835; and is regarded as the first professional base ball player. Wright was brought on board as the first real manager of the Phillies nee Quakers, a role he held from 1884 to 1893. In that time he was somehow able to squeeze a winning record out of a team that probably should have folded after their first 17-81 season.
Coach - John Vukovich - Vuke was a terrible hitter. In 1980, for example, he managed only 10 hits while appearing in 50 games. His career OPS was .425. Twice he finished seasons with an OPS+ of negative 100. In ten years he hit one triple. Ridiculous. But he made up for that with his true calling: coaching. Beloved by his players, he served in a variety of roles until 2004. He died from complications due to his brain cancer in 2007. Fuck cancer.
Wow, that turned dark in a hurry there at the end. Sorry. In any case, as you can see, I've used objective SCIENCE! to determine this list; but the beauty of SCIENCE! is that everyone can do it there own way. Agree? Disagree? Let us know in the comments who your All-Phillies Beard and Mustache Team would be. I bet my team could beat yours, though.
Previously, on The Good Phight Power Rankings: