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Phillies Hire B.F. Skinner to Improve Fan Experience at CBP

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CBP will be renamed "Citizens Bank Operant Conditioning Chamber" and urinals will work irregularly, but often enough.

Get ready to press those buttons, Philllies fans!
Get ready to press those buttons, Philllies fans!
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

The Phillies announced today that they hired B.F. Skinner to help manage operations at Citizens Bank Park and to boost sales of tickets in anticipation of what is expected to be a difficult 2015 season.  Skinner, a psychologist whose research has led to such entertainment innovations as "cocaine", "Pong", and "slot machine optimization" is expected to use his psychological research to help the team increase attendance for what is widely expected to be a threadbare Phillies team struggling mightily for maybe 70 wins.

Skinner's first press release notified fans and the media of the Phillies' theme song for 2015, the Smashing Pumpkins' 1995 release, "Bullet With Butterfly Wings."

Additional innovations tentatively announced included:

  1. Operant Conditioning Urinals (these eco-friendly bathroom fixtures work "often enough"), and
  2. Schmitter-based food pellets dispensed at seats as a random response to presses of a seatback lever, though the algorithm will be optimized to enable electrical generation from the lever presses from even a reduced home crowd that will be sufficient to power the scoreboard through a maximum of three Phillies' highlights per game, and
  3. The destruction of the free will of Phillies fans by subtly influencing them to return to game after game as a result of modest, seemingly random (but statistically predictable) rewards, such as "Run support" and "Good Outing by Cole Hamels", and
  4. Randomized "wardrobe malfunctions" by Phillies players, ballgirls, and Chris Wheeler, and
  5. Game tickets in packages of hot dogs.

See you at the park in 2015!