Welcome to HotTake, the longest tenured column dedicated to determining who is responsible for this mess of a """"team"""" in the history of The Good Phight. Welcome to our inaugural episode. Today, I'm proud to reveal a bevy of hot, scalding truth bombs that our crack reporters have gathered for us here at HotTake. As I'm sure you're by now aware, this is #breakingnews (Ed: Liz, will the hashtag function be working in the editor by the time this runs? It's very crucial that I know. HotTakeTrev). So let's get to the takes -- WHO is to blame for the Phillies not signing Yoan Moncada? The answer, dear readers, is who isn't?!
RESPONSIBLE PARTIES INCLUDE:
RUBEN AMARO JR: Said to have been trusted with a 70 MM dollar offer sheet for Moncada, an anonymous source says Amaro told him "You know how it is. You think 70 MM dollars is a lot, but then a Jayson Nix here, a Danys Baez there, you splurge on a Jeff Francoeur you've had your eyes on, and all of a sudden you're bumming money for the bus. Which is why I need money for the bus."
CHARLIE MANUEL: Known to many fans as Uncle Charlie, the former manager-turned-mentor told young Moncada that he had a "durn hell of a heck bat there on yer shoulders" and, due to the language barrier, Moncada thought he meant he had a literal hellbat on his shoulder. Moncada was said to be startled and offended when it was discovered no horrific beast was feasting on his shoulder: Gaffe Grinds Gears?????
RYNE SANDBERG: Though unconfirmed, Sandberg's rumored hobbies of "filing, sorting, and even crossbreeding different kinds of sawdust" did very little to sell Moncada on the glamor of Philadelphia.
SAL AGOSTINELLI: Anonymous source close to the Phillies' star Latin America/International scout says that Agostinelli foolishly scouted and several excellent prospects and got them to commit to potentially team-friendly contracts for NEXT June not this one! Whoopsie!!
COLE HAMELS: Reportedly sent Moncada a series of lotions that "Heidi says are magic" but no gift card. Moncada thought the gift was from longtime confidant/defensive shortstop guru Tim Gunn.
PHILLIPE AUMONT: Somewhat too tall and far too Canadian for this reporter's taste!! (Ed. Is this actually about Moncada, Anti-Canada Carl? -HotTakeTrev)
CHAD BILLINGSLEY: Yasiel Puig told Moncada that Billingsley made bad paninis. This is of course not true, and only reflective of Puig's strange panini preferences, but Moncada was almost certainly swayed by his successful countryman's opinion. Tough luck for Phillies fans!
DAVID BUCHANAN: Rumored to have written to Yoan Moncada with his famous "mayonnaise sandwich and milk" lunch recipe; wrote tersely worded "thank you for receiving my recipe!" note when he did not receive any compliments back.
THE BULLPEN: They know what they did.
MIGUEL ALFREDO GONZALEZ: In line with his confusing history as a Phillies pitcher, MAG has begun speaking only in riddles fed through a backmasking machine. Moncada was unable to answer his question -- "I am what all men fear, but I am what the dead wish for" -- even after translating it and the oracle turned from him. Burn!
AARON HARANG: Why the long face, Aaron...feeling guilty?!
CLIFF LEE: Laissez-faire attitude may have contributed to alienation of young, communist bred Moncada.
NEFI OGANDO and ELVIS ARAUJO: Clearly fake names meant as false flag attempts to prove the Phillies have players of Latin American descent who are prospects on their team. Nice try, Ruben!!
JONATHAN PAPELBON and JONATHAN PETTIBONE: Have started to speak as one, dress as one, walk in lockstep. They talk often about "the mission" and "the prophecy" and leave many pregnant pauses. Actually extremely annoying and not offputting at all, so cut it out guys.
JEROME WILLIAMS: Yoan Moncada's phobia is slightly below average major league starters. Hardly Williams' fault, but also definitely his fault.
JOELY RODRIGUEZ: Did you see what this guy did in the AFL? Wow. Oh, the Moncada thing? It, uh...he uh called him fat.
TOMMY JOSEPH: Yoan Moncada doesn't trust people with two first names and no last names.
CAMERON RUPP: Moncada generally was turned off by Rupp's consistent, significance laden offer to "hunt the most dangerous game of all...." Refused to answer when Rupp added, "Aren't you curious...what that might be??"
CARLOS RUIZ: Actually he did his best.
RYAN HOWARD: When Moncada asked him about the Philadelphia fans and his brow allegedly "furrowed, a darkness thereupon like the storm of ages, like Noah's promise or the curse of Ahab. The pall and horror of a thousand thousand agonies, etched upon his brow like the very fear and trembling promised by the prophets of old."
CHASE UTLEY: Sent Moncada several dogs, spayed and neutered, already named and trained, and with no return address.
MAIKEL FRANCO: Tried to talk to Moncada one-on-one but committed an error and struck out.
FREDDY GALVIS: I'd say he was too offensive but you'd never believe me.
CODY ASCHE: Would not call it maize, and shouted that "corn is correct" even when Moncada assured him that he didn't want him to call it maize at all and had no idea what he was talking about.
CESAR HERNANDEZ: Rumored to be a baseball player.
DOMONIC BROWN: Mentioned he liked the Cowboys and that made a lot of Philadelphia fans upset so I can only assume it made Yoan Moncada, by all accounts a Right Thinking Person, mad too. Dangit Dom.
AARON ALTHERR, ODUBEL HERRERA, JORDAN DANKS, DARIN RUF: Have started running around together calling themselves "the bench mob" and issuing people "bench warrants" and then holding strange and draconian mock trials and then sentencing people to justice "bench style" which is too horrific to explain. Suffice it to say: they're trying a little too hard, huh?
KELLY DUGAN: Thinks he's not even cool enough to be in the bench gang, and needs to "get some confidence and then the girls will be all over him" according to our source, his dad.
BEN REVERE: Is so enthusiastic that he now vibrates between worlds, only perceptible as memory, the trace, and a short single into left. Not a great ambassador for the team as a result.
GRADY SIZEMORE: 60-day DL, Knee.
REVERSE VAMPIRES: Under the instruction of the Bilderberg group, the Reverse Vampires have teamed up with the Reptilians to form a One World Government against the relatively benign Grays. The One World Government is a big Red Sox fan, and well well well look who's won a bunch of championships recently as well as Yoan Moncada! Coincidence? Piffle.
ALL OF US: Oh no we came on too strong oh god we really fouled this up look sorry we're gonna try again but it's just been so long since we had a young prospect to be interested in that maybe we're still a bit in the past and aw jeez don't walk away please we're trying our best!