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Matt Stairs thunders into Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame

The child of a polar bear and a lumberjack, career slugmaster Matt Stairs has been recognized for his accomplishments on the baseball field by not-America.

By Justin Klugh
(via the Canadian Baseball Network)

Matt Stairs is pretty Canadian: he's good-natured, he just wants to help, he's tough, and he spent his career slapping Americans on the back. He also tweets about Canada a lot.

That, plus all the

Yes, thank you, Matt. As I was saying, that, plus all the accomplishments he's put together on the baseball field have gained him entry into the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame (Stairs is already a member of his native province's New Brunswick Sports Hall of Fame, as he was born in its largest city, St. John. He was inducted into that Hall of Fame with this man, proving that Matt Stairs is the perfect model from which all other Canadian athletes are based).

Stairs has played for the Expos, Red Sox, and A's, then did a quick lap around the NL Central with the Cubs, Brewers, and Pirates before spending three years in Kansas City with the Royals and moving onto the Tigers and Blue Jays. Then, it was two years with the Phillies for the highlight of his career, and encores in San Diego and Washington before calling it quits in 2011 at the age of 43.

In 1999 with the A's, he hit 38 home runs and finished 17th in MVP voting. Then, some other things happened. Then, this:

Most professional hitters would be content to bathe in their folk legend status, accept the unending gratitude of a usually furious city, and head back to their birthplace to wrestle yeti shirtless, while still respecting them. But in all the madness, Stairs took the time to coin a catch phrase.

Every year, Philadelphia allows its sewer people population to slither from their homes and gather in the Wells Fargo Center to watch people devour chicken parts. Matt Stairs was kind enough to make an appearance at the event the year before last, thrilling the simpletons with what's known as a "Canadian Baptism."

He's now an employee of Comcast Sportsnet Philly, and though, being a foreigner, he has yet to see his employer as the malevolent entity casting a jagged shadow over the country that it is, his job does make him a Phillie in his post-playing career. That, plus his most memorable moment as a player coming in a Phillies uniform make it clear that he favors us over any other team he ever played for, and all other teams suck.

You hear that, Nationals? Your little ploy to seduce members of the 2008 Phillies into your franchise and convert them into meat puppets for your propaganda didn't work this time. Tell 'um, Matt!

Damn it. So classy. No wonder he wants to stay with Philadelphia. It probably balances him out.

Congratulations to Matt Stairs for gaining entry into an honorary society that were it not for all the previous members, I would have assumed had been created just for him, and rightfully so.

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