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Say hello to the 'All-Former Phillies Who Are Still Available Via Free Agency' team

"Honey, come to bed." "Hang on I'm writing this list of bad players. What if they were all on a team?" "..." "It's for--" "See you in the morning."

"God these guys suck."
"God these guys suck."
David Kohl-USA TODAY Sports

CF, Tony Gwynn, Jr.

2014 stats: .152/.264/.190, 4 3B, 13 SB, 6 CS, -1.0 WAR in 80 games

Gwynn's year as a sometimes-center fielder for one of the game's worst outfields was not destined to go very well. Whoever is working to get him a job doesn't have a slide in their "Tony Gwynn, Jr. Is Great" power point presentation featuring hisoffensive stats:

For the Twins, sadly, Gwynn might actually be the best player in their world who could fill the role of fourth outfielder. Somehow.

3B, Michael Martinez

2014 stats: .128/.209/.154, 2 RBI, 4 BB, 13 SO, -0.3 WAR in 26 games

Not only is Michael Martinez not dead, he is available to sign to your baseball team. Go ahead, sign him. He is definitely alive.

Mini-Mart was a part of the same Pirates bench at Jayson Nix, which you can read more about later. But even now, the confounded inquiries of Pirates fans remembering Martinez's days at the plate will make you wistful for 2011 Phillies baseball, when you would see the same questions being asked by your friends and colleagues.

Mini Mart

RF, Nate Schierholtz

2014 stats: .195/.243/.309, 7 HR, 37 RBI, -1.0 WAR in 122 games

At this point, Schierholtz is ranked as the top free agent on the market, with teams that actually want him to the play for them, and stuff. The Orioles and Marlins have reached out to the former Phillies right fielder, who spent one magical half of a season in red pinstripes following the Hunter Pence trade in 2012.

His name juts out in your memory due to the quiet outrage of fans when Ruben Amaro let Schierholtz walk away, despite the team's need for quality outfielders and bench players at the time. It didn't help that Schierholtz hit an admirable .269 with an .825 OPS in the first half of 2013 for the Cubs while the Phillies went with John Mayberry in right on opening day, giving everyone even more reasons to scream spittle all over their bathroom mirrors.

LF, Raul Ibanez

2014 stats: .167/.264/.285, 5 HR, 26 RBI, -1.2 WAR in 90 games

Ibanez is likely the only MLB free agent who was involved in more managerial rumors than playing rumors this offseason. Ibanez is 42 years old and appears to be looking for a small role on a team willing to squeeze the rest of his life out of him. Though how much is left is yet to be determined - Ibanez did actually steal three out of five bases successfully last year.

1B, Greg Dobbs

2014 stats: .214/.233/.250, 1 2B, 2 RBI, -0.6 WAR in 36 games

In his heyday, Dobbs was the best pinch hitter in baseball, leading the majors with 18 pinch-hit RBI in 2007 and coming in second with 16 in 2008. "Dobber," Nationals manager Matt Williams was calling 36-year-old Dobbs when he played with Washington on a minor league contract this past year, and he was still calling him it when the team DFA'd Dobber to make room for some bullpen depth in May.

SS, Ronny Cedeno

2014 stats: .000/.000/.000, 2 SO in 7 games

To be fair, in 83 games in Triple A last season, Cedeno hit .313/.368/.431 with four home runs and 34 RBI. At the moment, he is playing in the Venezuelan Professional Baseball League for the Navegantes del Magallanes. He is hitting .284 with a .738 OPS, and recently put in a clutch performance with a home run, three runs, and two RBI to keep his team in the hunt. This is their mascot, The Capy:

The Capy's girlfriend, according to Wikipedia, is "Lola, a very charming parrot."

Needless to say, many of the articles about Cedeno right now are in Spanish. Take it away, Google Translate:

Ronny Cedeno, who chaired a meeting between players before starting the match, led the offensive attack by tying 5-3, with a homer, three runs scored and two RBIs. "We have to restore confidence. We have learned to get out of bad times, I think that the trust we have with players of experience will be vital, "said shortstop.

2B, Jayson Nix

2014 stats: .120/.169/.157, 1 HR, 3 BB, 28 SO in 41 games

Nix made it onto three different MLB teams last year, including the American League champion Royals, for whom he appeared in seven games, got nine plate appearances, and didn't manage to destroy their season. He went 0-for-2 in the World Series with a strikeout.

Royals manager Ned Yost had said he switched out second baseman Christian Colon on the roster for Nix from the ALCS to the World Series because of his team's likelihood to double switch at third base and he liked Nix's defense at third more than Colon's. This was after spending part of the season with a god-awful Pirates bench, which Rum Bunter describes here:

"None of them cracked .200, and Jayson Nix in particular put up a two-week stretch for the ages, slashing .111/.158/.111."

Jayson Nix could have won a WORLD SERIES RING this year.

Shawn Camp

2014 stats: 7 H, 2 ER, 1 SO, 0 BB in 3.1 IP in MLB; 3,79 ERA, 16 SO, 2 BB in 16 games at Triple A

Raul Valdes

2014 stats: 12.27 ERA, 4 BB, 3 SO in 3.2 IP; 3.94 ERA, 91 SO, 24 BB in 91.1 IP at Triple A

Mike Adams

2014 stats: 2.89 ERA, 21 SO, 8 BB in 18.2 IP

Adams leads this crew of guys you don't want to see enter a game unless things are very wrong. The pebbled is that with Kyle Kendrick off the market, one of them is going to have to start. Looking at you Valdes. You're throwing as much of this doubleheader as your aging body permits.