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Beware Those Ides, Cliff

Seems Julius Caesar and Will Shakespeare had some inkling of this beforehand.

Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports


ACT I SCENE II Clearwater, FL.

Flourish. Enter CLIFF; COLE, for the course; AMARO, CHASE, GALVIS, FRANCOEUR, DOM BROWN, RYNE SANDBERG, and THE PHANATIC; a great crowd following, among them a Soothsayer.

CLIFF: Amaro!

THE PHANATIC [gyrating belly wildly]: Peace, ho! Cliff speaks.   

CLIFF: Hey Ruben!

AMARO: Here, my number two starter.

CLIFF Stand you directly in Cole's way,
When he doth run his warmup pitches. Cole!

COLE: Cliff, my lord?

CAESAR Forget not, in your speed to Boston, Cole,
To touch Amaro; for Charlie did say,
The barren, touched in a holy trade,
Shake off their World Series drought.

COLE: I shall remember:
When Cliff Caesar says "do this," it is perform'd.

CAESAR: Whatever; leave no ceremony out.


Soothsayer:  Cliff!

CLIFF: Ha! who calls?

THE PHANATIC [honking nose]: Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CLIFF: Who is it in the press that calls on me?   
I hear a tongue, shriller than all Cody Ross' walkup music,
Cry "Cliff! Cliff, you bum!" Speak; Cliff is turn'd to hear.

Soothsayer:  Beware the ides of March!

CAESAR What man is that?

DOM BROWN: Oh that's just Eskin; he bids you beware the ides of March.

CLIFF: Set him before me; let me see his face.
My goodness he doth look like the Burger King guy.

SANDBERG: Buddy, come on out; look Cliff in the eye, dangit.

CLIFF:  What say'st thou to me now? Speak once again.
Though screamst not so loudly this time.
It is like you don't know that people can turn up their radios.   


CLIFF: He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

[Walking onward, CLIFF trips over several columns and tears his left flexor tendon on a bust of Pallas]

CLIFF: Aw dangit, Howard!

ESKIN [spookily]: Ooooohooooo! Tune in to my morning show on WIP!