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TheGoodPhight Presents: Out Of The Phight Episode I

The beginning of a season-long look at what would happen if someone turned control of a Major League Baseball team over to the internet. What could go wrong? Probably everything.

By Phrozen
"Guys, this new GM is an asshole." "I know, he had me selling peanuts yesterday!"
"Guys, this new GM is an asshole." "I know, he had me selling peanuts yesterday!"
Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Last week, there were some rumblings and grumblings about the TheGoodPhight being credentialed. While the details of that story are not mine to tell, the long story short is that, for the forseeable future, we will not be credentialed members of the media.

But what if we could change that? What if we organized a Kickstarter or had a trust fund or got a fortuitous email from Prince the Hon. Dr. Staphylococcus Jones Esq. of Nigeria? Well, we could simply buy the team! But what would that look like? We're internet bloggers, not savvy baseball minds. We don't have the TWTW or gut feel or years of inside experience crucial to running a team. It would be a horror show, right?

Perhaps. But there's one thing we do have: the internet. The tubes will help us!

In that vein, last week, I fired up Out of the Park Baseball 16 (which, by the way, is the best sports computer game ever designed), and made some quick modifications:

OOTP New Owner

New ownership! Though, LOL at "don't suck completely." At least we're honest, right?

As the new GM of the Phillies, I'm way out of my depth. So, the first step was to turn to twitter.

The responses, surely all from experienced baseball minds, rolled in, and I was quick to keep up.

Two steps ahead of you, Mr. Jeepers!

OOTPAmaroFired

Francis Phrozen Underwood Underscore: "See, Ruben, here's the deal. I've been going over the numbers, and the peanut vendors in the park just haven't been keeping pace with the beer vendors. We want you to get over there and head up that division."

RAJ: "But, I..."

PU: "No buts. When we talk again next year, I expect peanut sales to be up 200%. Now if you excuse me, I have a meeting with the President (of baseball operations): me." *raps knuckles on the desk*

OOTP Phrozen GM

Way over my head. Luckily, the advice from Twitter continued to pour in.

Well, duh. They're the owners, they can credential themselves, if they want.

Well, finally. Here's a baseball move that makes sense! Lets get right on that.

OOTP FHOFRI

Glad to have you back, FHOFRI!

OOTP Happ

No shit they were Happy about are one true ace!

The third part of that will have to wait, unfortunately. Putting all the right pieces together took some doing. But what's next?

Oh, good call! Any rookie GM needs a good assistant GM who knows the ropes, right?

OOTP PtB AGM

Yeah, I know it says Bench Coach on the news brief there. We've updated the stationery, though, to reflect his actual position.

Hard to argue the merits of that one. Luckily, TheGoodPhight also invested heavily in genetic engineering research facilities.

OOTP Clonely

Well that was easy. Keep 'em coming, guys, this is good stuff.

Ooh. Well luckily, we haven't made any trades yet (keep in mind, OOTP's roster set is as of mid-March). How to go about this... hmmm. What if we combined this objective with the third, and most important, part of FS09's suggestion? Is there traction there?

OOTP Hamels-Trout

By God, there was traction there. "Make immediate impacts?" I should hope so. Coal Hammels, Jonathan Papelbon, Carlos Ruiz, JP Crawford, Maikel Franco and $27.5M for Mike Trout and two minor leaguers. Talk about moving the baseline! Also, I only just now noticed that Trout is only a year older than Franco. Yowza. No idea what the Angels were thinking.

Hard to top this, right? Let's see what's next!

Uh.... maybe next year. We just bought the team, dammit!

Now this I can do. *runs outside and yells at the sky*

Those were all of the ideas available as of press time, but let's push forward and see what this monster of a team can do in, say, 10 games. Then we can step back, reevaluate and question what we're doing with our lives. Sound good? OK!

*several days pass and it's now April 17th. Don't look at a calendar. Just trust me.*

The Phillies are 4-6, only ahead of the 3-6 Barves in the NL East.

OOTPD10Standings

#LOLBarves. Hey, we gotta get our laughs in where we can with this team.

The team leaders are more or less as you'd expect, with some exceptions.

OOTPD10Leaders

Chase Utley has been the offensive spark for the team, while his clone, Chase Clonely, is still literally an infant (this will take some time). New Ace David Buchanan has settled in alongside One True Ace JA Happ at the top of the rotation, but with only ten games played, it's difficult to see if Happ's mentoring has really paid off yet or he's just on a hot streak. His hitting skills are sure impressive, though, and he surely didn't get there without help from FHOFRI.

Here we are, about 6% of the way through our initial season at the helm of the Phillies. We've made some progress, some changes, but we're not done yet, surely? So tell us, internet, what should we do #next?

Leave suggestions here in the comments, @me on twitter using the hashtag #OutOfThePhight, or better yet, do both, and we'll shake this tree again next week. There may even be prizes!*

*Editor's note: This Phrozen guy keeps talking about prizes, but he spent all TGP's money on the Phillies and this dumb genetic engineering facility, so the prizes will probably be stupid.

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