Phillies losing games at some of the league's top speeds

"You know something?" MLB officials asked as they glanced at the list of issues baseball has. "This sport is just too dang slow!"

And with that, the league frightened and confused its fanbase with talk of innovations like the pitch clock and the between-innings countdown. 2015 would be the year baseball became a sexier, higher octane extravaganza that would have people blasted to their seats by sheer intensity. In what other sport do you only have 20 seconds to throw the ball, or flee from the field within a two-minute time frame? None - that's what sport.

It's a new game, and some teams are having trouble adapting. David Ortiz of the Red Sox said that he would just eat the fines he would incur for stepping out of the box and holding things up, presumably because change is scary. But the Phillies, heh heh; the Phillies are handling things just fine.

Phillies are currently averaging 4th-fastest time of game in the majors. Their games are averaging 2 hours, 44 minutes per 9-inning game.

— Meghan Montemurro (@M_Montemurro) April 28, 2015

Sure, you may watch this team and think "Christ, what a mess..." or "Wow, I should be doing literally anything else right now," but ask yourself this - have the Phillies not finished any of their games this year?

That's right, they haven't. Every game, whether it's a win, a loss, a second loss, or a sixth consecutive loss, has ended at some point, and when they've ended, they've ended quickly.

You can call the 2015 Phillies a lot of things: "a baseball team," "in last place," and "just as good as the Nationals," but you can also call them merciful for not subjecting you to some sort of drawn-out, mind-shattering contest in which utility infielders are pitching into the 16th inning of an inevitable 1-0 loss.

Thank you, Phillies.