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Citizens Bank Park Concession Review: The Nonuple Burger

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Bread and circuses worked for the Roman Empire to distract the masses from their objectively terrible quality of life. The Phillies hope to do the same with their fans in 2015. The "triple-triple burger" is one part of that plan.

Eric Chesterton's meat-filled guts

Last week, the Phillies announced a bevy of improvements to the fan experience at Citizens' Bank Park in 2015. After the MLB-mandated addition of metal detectors to all ballpark entrances and the opportunity to drown your Phillies woes not only with over-priced beer, but in overpriced wine or overpriced mixed drinks, if you so choose (Editor's note: You should choose, often and responsibly), the Phillies unveiled a whale of a burger:

It might not be clear what you're looking at here. It took me a while to process it myself. They're calling it a Triple Triple Burger, which, while not exactly an accurate description of the beast, gives a clue as to what is pictured there. Within the bounds of a singular set of buns, is contained a total of 9 hamburger patties as well as some lettuce and tomato for garnish to make you feel a little better about yourself for eating 2200 calories in one item of food. It's pretty much just the salad you would get from your local pizza takeout joint with a metric fuck-ton of beef added to it.

I want to add an aside against the name Triple Triple Burger: A proper triple-triple burger would feature a total of 4 pieces of bread as it would stack 3 triple-stack burgers on top of each other (bread-meat-meat-meat-bread-meat-meat-meat-bread-meat-meat-meat-bred). This, however, is a nonuple burger with 9 patties between two pieces of bread. Jake's Wayback Burger and the Phillies should work together to make sure names are accurate. Conclude aside.

Here's what they didn't tell us: it's $30. I realize that 9 beef patties and an entire day's worth of caloric intake are returned to me for my expenditure, but, as an inherently frugal person, $30 for a stadium concession is a tough pill to swallow. What I received was well worth the hefty investment.

The first thing the health-conscious reader will notice is the absence of the pizza shop salad advertised in the original announcement. Personally, I did not enter my relationship with this burger expecting to add any time to my life.

Contained in these buns is a wrecking ball of grease and cheese. Unlike other burgers I have had at CBP, the beef was cooked to a true medium instead of the overcooked and rubbery excuses available at the generic stands.

As you might expect, the logistics of eating the sandwich presented an unfamiliar challenge. I opted to start with a bite at the top and follow that path downward before returning to the top to start a new downward trail. This worked fine and the structural integrity of the burger held throughout consumption, a task I assumed would be nearly impossible at the outset.

Overall, I would recommend this caloric monster to any non-vegetarian out there. I was able to finish it in about 30 minutes (it was not FAT timed) without any assistance. My bowels, 8 hours post-consumption, are still working normally. My recommendation does come with two warnings. First, don't plan on pairing it with a beer, fries, soda, or really anything. Like your Little League coach told you to always catch the ball with two hands, this burger demands that care. From purchase to last bite, the Nonuple Burger requires constant two-hand attention. Second, if you have a daily fitness routine, get it out of the way prior to eating this. Although my intestines are intact, I don't think a run would be in the cards even 8 hours later.

Enjoy your burger responsibly and please, please, please refer to it by its proper name: the Nonuple Burger.