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Things to watch when you watch the Phillies

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What, you think you're better than the Phillies? Well, yeah, but you're still going to watch. Sometimes.

Reinhold Matay-USA TODAY Sports

Ken Rosenthal is getting a bit chippy with his predictions, or he is yet another analyst, including the ones on this web site, who have looked at the Phillies and wondered what god would allow this.

Odubel Herrera

Who is he? What is he? Why won't he take off the tank top? Why would he take off that tank top?

Herrera, the Phillies' Rule 5 draft pick, is starting in center field, a position he has never played.

Hard liquor + boredom

It's a combination that experts and parents agree leads to nothing but productivity. Let's see if Ken Rosenthal has absolutely no comments following an incident at Citizens Bank Park when some whiskey-fueled streakers steal the head off the Phanatic's costume while he's doing a Tina Turner routine, leading to a suspension-of-disbelief-shattering revelation that there is actually a man in there and not just the innards if a 3,000-lbs. endangered species from the Galapagos. The brief chase from security ends when the two culprits start throwing up batteries on each other. Also one of them isn't a streaker and is dressed like Santa Claus.

Ben Revere

What's he gonna do next? Watch as the glove slips off his hand in mid-dive, the ball lands in it anyway, and the glove lands back on his hand? Don't act like you didn't just imagine that entire sequence in slow motion. Don't you spread your lies on this web site.

Revere is in a good mood to be here, something for which, according to all baseball people, he should be ridiculed and kicked. But he doesn't care what people think. He's gonna slide into that tiny Phillies jersey every day and he's going to stand on his hands for an inning if he's feeling up for it; and he might even run a better route doing it. Who knows! This is a game of adjustments.

Cliff Lee’s health

I mean, does anyone know where Cliff Lee... is? Has anyone mentioned his name in a news article in a weeks? It doesn't take much to make news in this town, yet Cliff hasn't made any in a while, even in the form of an "updates" list that just says

Eric Chesterton’s bowels

Sure, he says he's fine, but you get the feeling something truly awful is just around the corner. You can't just slip nine juicy meat disks down your gullet and emerge the same man on the other side.

Aaron Nola

He's somewhere, right? Last I heard he was really impressing Alex Rodriguez, the most despised player ever made.

Astros-esque incompetence

Are you going to tell me that .gifs like this - and I will link to that instead of embedding it because I think you already know what it is and you are already picturing it in your head. Right about now the third guy is super manning himself forward, right? -but are you telling me .gifs like that aren't going to be watched by Ken Rosenthal? You're right, FOX Sports isn't really the kind of network that tweets out the same trending .gifs and Vines and clips as everyone else.

Braves vs. Phillies race to hell

It's just bad timing, but the Phillies and Braves are both under "rebuild" labels by the media, so you're going to see an awful lot of comparisons as two division rivals attempt to build contenders alongside each other. There were a lot of "this is how you rebuild" lessons being handed out last night by fans of the Braves' trade with the Padres that the two teams ambushed us with just before the season's first pitch. I think that trade was announced by a man jumping out of the bushes in the dark.

The good news is, assuming they both move at a similar pace, their rivalry will hit critical mass and turn things toward a 2007-09 Phillies-Mets dynamic. The bad news is that they will not move at the same pace.

The Bullpen

Sure, the Phillies may not have the lead too often. But Jake Diekman, Justin De Fratus, Ken Giles, and Jonathan Papelbon will have to come in to get some obligatory work just for the sake of keeping their arms in game shape. And then it's only a matter of closing your eyes and pretending the score is different, or that you're somewhere else, living another life, like Ken Giles does when he has to talk to people.

There are other things in your life

You know what? Maybe Rosenthal is right. Maybe there isn't a lot of stuff to waste your time on with the Phillies this year. There's a whole world out there, you know? And it's a long summer. Why not scrawl a few more beach trips onto the calendar, have the neighbors over for a cookout, or relate to your kids those crazy stories about the time there was a relevant team in this town.

That was a test

All those people who nodded in agreement to that last one and then went and did other things? They failed. And their judgement will soon come. But you and me; we're in this for life.

Forget those people. They're dead to us.

[Places hand on your shoulder]

Oh that reminds me, your loved ones all called and said they never wanted to hear from you again. I know, I thought it was weird too, but that's what they said. At least we have the Phillies.

[You look down, see I am wearing a soiled '2011 NL EAST DIVISION CHAMPS' t-shirt and no pants]

They're the best team.

[Grip tightens on your shoulder]

They're the best team