Every so often, I'd like to provide a safe place for the contained explosions that result from a real bad Phillies loss, even on a team that is supposed to be bad. It turns, I didn't have to wait too long.
24 hours later, you may have thought the removal of the Phillies' butt, the handing of their own butt back to them, and their acceptance of their own butt in their hands before thanking the Red Sox, and leaving with some drool forming at the corner of their mouths was all an uninspired dream from your bored subconsciousness.
Here's the twist: It totally wasn't. You watched the Red Sox crack five home runs, four off Cole Hamels, and provide the knot in which every offseason narrative thread was tied. Hanley Ramirez hit two home runs, Dustin Pedroia hit two home runs, Clay Buchholz struck out nine Phillies, lefty specialist Jake Diekman was left in to throw to five, count 'em, five straight right-handed hitters, an experiment that ended in a grand slam, and at one point Pablo Sandoval just threw his bat at Freddy Galvis and nobody even looked up from their phones.
It turns out Mookie Betts is worth more than Hamels, a pitcher whom a man in a live chat taught me was now "worthless" as he got "blown up in his first game following a poor season" in 2014; a season in which Hamels had a 2.46 ERA and finished sixth in NL Cy Young voting.
But I don't need to tell you that Cole Hamels is good! Hell, I don't even need to tell you that the Phillies are bad. But I guess what I do want to tell you is that the Phillies are telling us that the Phillies aren't going to keep being bad.
"I mean, it's one game," Grady Sizemore said afterward.
"Just one game out of 162," manager Ryne Sandberg said.
"It's going to come in time," Ben Revere added.
Sweet merciful Sizemore, there's a whole season of this coming. Pat Gillick recently reiterated his "contention by 2018" theory in an interview, which everyone has accepted as gospel, and so the players and manager are stuck saying words about a squad that in 2015 offers baseball fantasy situations like Jeff Francoeur pinch hitting for Grady Sizemore. I'm not mad, I'm genuinely fascinated.
At this point, I'm still conscious of what's happening - not like later in June when we're all so numb to this sort of thing it'll take a full day to realize Pablo Sandoval's bat is lodged in my torso - and I sympathize with anyone who has to make a statement to reporters after a game like this, of which hopefully there are few in number. It just struck me that tonight, they're going to have to do this all again, only this time, without Cole Hamels on the mound.
Of course, by "it's," what Revere might be referring to is "offense of any kind," which the Phillies' three hits in nine innings did not supply in front of over 45,000 fans. But Revere's attitude is admirable, and he will likely be the last player in the clubhouse willing to speak to reporters by the time 161 more of these atrocities are behind us.
In the mean time just try not to look Ben Revere in the eye, because you'll probably just tear up.
"It'll come up," Revere said about the offense. "I believe it 100 percent. I've got faith in all these guys. We'll come back and change people's minds."
You're a good guy, Benny, you know that? You're a... a real good guy.