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Getcha sour grapes right here folks because AJ "What breakout?" Burnett is back and he wants you.
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That's right the biggest flop free agent signing this side of BJ Upton, who left the Phillies in order to take dramatically less money cross-state, is back in Philadelphia tonight and probably tonight only. Burnett has been annoyingly good, so expect the generally free-wheeling, quick to forgive fans at CBP to really just step up to congratulate him on his excellent sub-2 ERA and vaguely contending team.
Anyway, after nearly beating Gerrit Cole, the Phillies ought to be able to knock Burnett around a little bit, but you know what the man says about predicting Phillies baseball: drink bleach instead. With that in mind:
We already kind of touched on him, so here are some random AJ Burnett facts:
- AJ Burnett is literally, not figuratively, an ostrich
- AJ Burnett's favorite place to get cheesesteaks is Pep Boys
- AJ Burnett thought he was joining a gang of actual pirates, and had to sell his AK-47 and peg leg when he realized the truth
- AJ Burnett can strike you, yes you, out but he does not promise do so in less than 12 pitches
- AJ Burnett is a communal fiction that we have all fooled ourselves into believing, so as to distract us from MLB's true, nefarious intentions
Hey wait, didn't this guy stop pitching for the Phillies? I'm almost sure he got sent down to AAA never to be seen again. Who did he kneecap to get back? Who do we have to blame?
Could it be worse than Sean O'Sullivan and his near-5 ERA? Yes it could -- it could be almost any other Phillies pitcher. So listen you whiners, why not get some courage, steel yourself, and pick up O'Sullivan in DFS tonight. I'm pretty sure you get extra salary if you do that, but I won't promise anything.
Go Philadelphia O'Sullivans!