Have mercy: Marlins 7, Phillies 0

Both Cole Hamels and the Phillies anemic offense worked in tandem today as the Phillies got thwacked by the Marlins, 7-0. I said this about Hamels in the game thread:

And if his last start was any indication, he's past his early-season yips and fully ready to make every other baseball team thoroughly jealous.

I'M SORRY, OK!? I'M SORRY. I should know better than to show any level of confidence in these Phillies. Because they will disappoint me.

Hamels had a pretty crappy day on the mound. In the second inning inning he gave up a three-run home run to Martin Prado, and that was just the beginning. He gave up a run on two doubles in the third inning, and a single resulted in another run in the fourth inning after a stolen base, a wild pitch, and a sac fly. Hamels final run came off the bat of Martin Prado again, scoring Dee Gordon from first base. Gordon had 3 hits and a walk off Hamels. Martin Prado hit the crap out of him, with two hits and 4 runs batted in - plus a walk! - all against Hamels.

All told, the Marlins had 10 hits and six runs off of Cole Hamels. It was by far his worst start of the season, and he hasn't been this bad in over a year. Mercy.

The Phillies offense provided absolutely no help. They managed just four hits off of Marlins' starter Dan Haren, and didn't walk once. In fact, they didn't walk the entire game. Larry Anderson said it pretty well on today's radio broadcast, right after Freddy Galvis flied out in the fifth inning:

"I'm sorry, there's just not fear in this lineup at all."

There is not. The radio broadcast was extremely educational today. For instance, they told me that coming into this game, Cody Asche has had just six at-bats with men in scoring position. Today was his seventh, but as you may have been able to tell by the score, he wasn't successful. For the record, Asche is hitting .208/.218/.321 in his last 14 games. His hot start has cooled down considerably.

Jonathan Papelbon made it into today's game, in the eighth inning of a game the Phillies were losing 7-0. He then proceeded to load the bases. It's a credit to Papelbon himself that he could get out of it, inducing a strikeout and a fly out to escape the inning.

After LA started cracking up while reading some copy about the Phillies franchise four, Scott Franzke made this appeal: "A note to the Phillies marketing department: leave the word 'best' out of all reads for Larry, OK? Come up with some other word, alright?" I love Scott Franzke. He's really leaning in to this terrible team, and I think he's having the most fun out of all the Phillies broadcasters.

Instead of posting the Fangraph of today's game, this tweet seemed more appropriate:

Assuming the Phils lose today, after 25 games they are on pace for a 52-110 season.

— Phuture Phillies (@PhuturePhilz) May 2, 2015

HAH, that's so much worse than any of us ever imagined. Seriously, imagine the Phillies actually finishing with that record in September. Every time I do, all I hear is loud Woody Woodpecker laughing in my head.

Despite Hamels' performance today, which was pretty bad, I want to close with this tweet from the amazing, phenomenal, otherworldly Pedro Martinez.

I would like to see Cole Hamels in a team that's meaningful to him. I hope they keep him healthy.

— Pedro Martinez (@45PedroMartinez) May 2, 2015

Pedro is, once again, right on. I love Cole Hamels, but he's wasted on this team. He deserves a team that can win for him and win with him, not just because of him.