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Dashed On The Rocks: Rockies at Phillies Preview, May 29

The movable object meets the stoppable force.

"Hey uh I'm Chad" -Chad Bettis, probably
"Hey uh I'm Chad" -Chad Bettis, probably
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Editor's Note: SB Nation's partner FanDuel is hosting a $125,000 one-day fantasy baseball league today. It's $3 to join and first place wins $10,000. Enter now!

What do you get when you have two 19 win teams going up against each other? Some perspective because the Phillies have played four more games than the lowly Rockies and have matched their terrible, terrible win total. But it could be worse!

We could be playing in Coors! *cough*

In any case, the Phillies have remained bad, and while the various narratives of potential season hope bubbled up briefly on 97.5 the Fanatic and while ESPN is saying that the Phillies are "feeling optimistic" heading home to play the Rox, we can't really be surprised here. Maikel Franco looks better than we'd feared, and Severino Gonzalez' strikeouts are fun, but this is still a pretty crummy team, be Ryan Howard good or bad.

The Rockies are maybe a bit more disappointing or vexing for their fans, even if they were projected to be terrible this year. Because the team wasn't supposed to be bad on the offensive side of the ball, but here we are with Carlos Gonzalez looking like he's hit a wall, with young star Corey Dickerson taking a lengthy break due to plantar fasciitis, and Troy Tulowitzki putting up a meager 266/286/403 line with a -.2 fWAR. Oh and their pitching is horrible too, with Kyle Kendrick the ersatz staff ace. At least, least the Earth will someday be destroyed?

Probable Pitchers

Chad Bettis -- You know what they say about pitchers named Chad -- they're terrible and should absolutely be avoided at all costs, lest you want bunches of home runs given up. That said, Bettis is one of the more promising starters on Colorado's staff, with a K/9 of around 7, a reasonable walk rate, and a totally sustainable you guys 0.0 HR/9. For you math whizzes out there, that's a total of zero homeruns given up. Given that his groundball rate is 49.2%, you'd probably expect to see that regress yesterday. But even if it does, his current 2.15 FIP shouldn't balloon too badly. The Phillies could have their normal "who is this guy" trouble with Bettis tonight, and it wouldn't be the worst idea to stream him in FanDuel.

Cole Hamels -- Cole Hamels awoke from a dream covered in sweat. He wouldn't wake Heidi because he wanted her to be fresh for her day tomorrow. Nothing important or anything, just he liked when she was happy and rested. He walked to the mirror and looked into it while splashing cold water on his face. His hair draped down over his eyes and he sighed softly.

"What a nightmare."

When he looked up, staring back at him from the mirror was his own face...with a scraggly beard! 2014 Hamels laughed  darkly and opened his lips just a little as he spoke.

"You're still having it!"

Cole Hamels was startled awake again, expecting to find himself in bed with Heidi, but instead finding himself...pitching this very game against the Colorado Rockies for the 2015 Phillies!

"Nooooo!!" Hamels wailed. He then pitched 7 innings, with 8 K's and 2 walks.