Trades Are For Closers: Rockies 4, Phillies 1

[INTERIOR: Phillies Clubhouse, the boys talking after a tough loss. ENTER RUBEN AMARO. He saunters to the front of the room and turns over the team chalkboard. On the side he expected to be blank, he finds "SEKRET PLAN FOR 83 WURLD SERIES." He erases it as SANDBERG cries out "I was gonna read that!"]

AMARO: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about [he stops and answers his cellphone for five minutes] bitching about that home run you gave up? Some son of a bitch who only hits against you, somebody who gets better calls, somebody who has worse stuff, some team you wish you were traded to? Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

SANDBERG: All but Sizemore.

AMARO: Well I'm going anyway. Let me talk about something [he turns to HAMELS]. Put that coffee down! Coffee's for closers only! [PAPELBON gets excited, until GILES whispers something in his ear] Do you think I'm screwing with you? I am not screwing with you. I'm here from upstairs. I'm here from Gillick and Monty. And I'm on a mission of mercy. Your name's Hamels?

HAMELS: You know it is, Ruben.

AMARO: You call yourself a pitcher, you sack of garbage?

UTLEY: I don't have to listen to this.

AMARO: You certainly don't, pal. Cause the good news is -- you're gonna play out your contracts on this awful team! The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to convince me to trade you, starting tomorrow night. Starting with tomorrow night's game. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this week's loss-fest. As you all know, first prize is a trade to the AL East. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a trip to St. Louis. Third prize is you're extended in Philly through 2028. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got scouting reports. Gillick and Monty paid good money. Get the film and crush the Rockies! You can't preserve the leads you're given, you can't score crap, you are crap! Come into my office, pal, 'cause you are going to be here forever!

HAMELS: The leads I'm given are weak.

AMARO: The leads are weak? F**king leads are weak?? You're weak! I've been in this business [counts on fingers] well a damn long time!

UTLEY [aside to HOWARD]: What's his deal?

AMARO: Screw you! That's my deal! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a dog hair covered Subaru Outback to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! [to HAMELS] And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't close them. [leans in and whispers] And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. In your palatial white condo in Center City with your toy poodle. [HAMELS looks confusedly around the room; AMARO speaks to everyone again] Because only one thing counts in this life! Get the Rockies to look like the damn Rockies! Beat them! You hear me, you fu [SANDBERG rushes over and whispers something in AMARO'S ear] Uh, you uh jerks?

[AMARO writes on the clean blackboard and puts up two sets of letters on it: S-O-X and S-T-L]

AMARO: S-O-X. S-someone, O-oughtta, X-xpediate their trade! Someone oughtta expediate their trade! Someone oughtta expediate their trade!! S-T-L. Salary, talent, likelihood of winning. Salary -- can I get someone to pay your terrible contracts? Talent -- can you play baseball? I know you want to because it's piss or walk. You win or you stay in Philly forever! Likelihood of winning -- are you gonna win anytime in the near future? If you're here, it ain't likely! S-T-L! Get out there!! You got the scouting reports comin' in; you think they came in because they're taking up space in Sal Agostinelli's office? Scouting report doesn't reach your locker unless we want you reading it. Sitting there, waiting to tell you everyone's weaknesses! Are you gonna listen? Are you man enough to read a damn paper? (to UTLEY) What's the problem pal? You. Utley.

UTLEY: You're such a smart guy. You got it all figured out. Why you coming down here and wasting your time on a bunch of mooks who just lost 4-1 to Chad freaking Bettis and the Colorado Triceratopses?

[AMARO takes off his 2008 Championship ring]

AMARO: You see this ring? You see this ring?

UTLEY: I have the same exact ring. Of course I do.

AMARO: That watch cost more than your hair pomade. I made millions last year. How much you make? [SANDBERG whispers in his ear] Oh uh. Well, I used mine a lot more wisely, I bet because I went to Stanford. You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. All Star? I don't give a crap. Borderline Hall of Famer? Screw you -- go home and calculate your dWAR!! UCLA alum? You Bruins make me sick. [AMARO turns to everyone] You wanna not work here? Win!! (to PAPELBON) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you junk-grabbing primate? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get from Giancarlo Stanton in the bottom of the ninth with two on?! [turning to HAMELS] You can't take this? How you gonna bounce back from Troy Tulowitzki owning your high fastball so much that you have to name it after him? [turns to everyone] You don't like it -- then sign your extensions. I can go out there tonight with the talent you got, get myself on a contender that'll pay three prospects for me! This week! In five games! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! S-T-L!! Get mad! You assholes! Get mad!! You know what it takes to get traded from the Philadelphia Phillies?

[AMARO reaches over to the rack and pulls out two baseballs]

AMARO: It takes balls.

[AMARO tries to hold them suggesively, but drops both, and they loudly clatter to two ends of the locker room. He seems not to notice]

AMARO: Go and do likewise, gents. The trade partner's out there; you attract it, it's yours. You don't -- I have no sympathy for you or your ten years left on your contract in Philadelphia. You wanna go out on this field tomorrow night and win? Go ahead, win, it's yours. If not, you're going to be shining my shoes for the next decade and change. Bunch of losers sitting around at Chickie and Pete's. [in a mocking weak voice] "Oh yeah, I used to be connected via rumors to the Red Sox, Blue Jays, and Dodgers; it's a tough racket." [AMARO takes out large stack of scouting reports tied together with string from behind him] These are the new scouting reports. These are the Get Yourself to Boston scouting reports. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. [AMARO hands the stack to SANDBERG who, confused, begins to hand them out to the rest of the team] They're for winners.

I'd wish you good BABIP and LOB luck but you wouldn't know what to do with them if you got them. [to UTLEY as he puts on his ring again] And to answer your question, pal: what's my deal? I came here because Gillick and Monty asked me to talk some sense into you idiots; they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor? Follow my advice and offer them all extensions into their year 47 season, because a loser is a Phillie.

[AMARO pulls out his Blackberry, and, answering a call, goes into SANDBERG's office]

SANDBERG: Gosh. You guys think I should go in there or...should we all go home?

[everyone shuffles uncomfortably]

SANDBERG: Jeez, I'm really bad at this.

<iframe src="http://www.fangraphs.com/graphframe.aspx?config=0&static=1071073&type=livewins&num=0&h=450&w=450&date=2015-05-29&team=Phillies&dh=0" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" height="450" width = "450" style="border:1px solid black;"></iframe><br /><span style="font-size:9pt;">Source: <a href="http://www.fangraphs.com/livewins.aspx?date=2015-05-29&team=Phillies&dh=0&season=2015">FanGraphs</a></span>

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8kZg_ALxEz0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>