Who will be the Phillies' All-Star?

Well, it's been a little over a month, so you know what that means - it's time to know exactly who the best players on your team are. Don't even start with the "small sample sizes," the All-Star Game is only five weeks away, we have absolutely no time to consider new science, let's just pick all players who've reached the qualifying number of at-bats which is of course "---."

And so, taking into account mostly just surface level stats because that's all anybody's going to care about in a measurement of skills as obtuse as the MLB All-Star Game, let us examine the Phillies roster and see who deserves the incalculable honor of traveling to Ohio for a few nights.

Freddy Galvis

When did you know Freddy Galvis was going to be the Phillies' All-Star shortstop of the future? Was it when he was hitting .176 through 128 PA last season? Was it when his once frantic body was stricken with the MRSA virus? Was it when his back literally broke? Was it when the team traded away the only shortstop better than him and he was pushed into the role by default?

Regardless, Freddy is the best position player on the Phillies right now. What? Who is better? Chase Utley is off getting his head right, whatever good that's going to do (I imagine the locker room doesn't feel any more like a soothing, safe place with him gripping the sides of a sink and intermittently screaming at his own reflection in the mirror). Freddy's got defense and it was long said that if he could just figure out how to hit a major league fastball, he'd be set. Well, it's mid-May and he's slashing .330/.370/.394. Sorry everyone.

Cody Asche

Wait, I thought Asche was doing well. Why do his numbers look so Cody Asche-esque? Damn it, Cody Asche. Just... damn it all to hell.

Jonathan Papelbon

Paps has appeared in 11 games, converted all five save opportunities with which he was presented, has kept his ERA under 2.00, and allowed only eight hits and three walks while striking out 12. If there was a reason for an expensive, reliable closer to be on a ghastly team, this is where we would say it. But it doesn't seem to extend past "to be the mandatory All-Star representative and maybe not even get to play in the actual game."

Odubel Herrera

The National League's top rookie had an invigorating spring that left us all pretty flustered. He also received NL Rookie of the Month votes for April, an honor that went to who cares who, it wasn't Odubel Herrera. He's hitting .286, he leads this team without an offense in doubles (6), and is the only player other than Ben Revere with more than one triple. One more than one, to be exact. Sometimes when he swings he looks like he hates swinging.

He'll continue to see playing time, unless Ryne Sandberg gets one of his "ideas" or something, and will have the chance to improve on some already encouraging numbers.

Cole Hamels

To paraphrase The Simpsons, "If he's so good, how come's he's dead?" Hamels isn't really dead, and to use that comparison is to trivialize human life. Real classy, guys.

The man the Red Sox wouldn't even trade a High A player for has been proving to everyone how much he secretly sucks for months now, and I mean starting before the season when some people got together and decided to just begin a "Cole Hamels sucks" narrative for some reason and then complain if the point is at all disputed.

@based_ball Are you trying to get yelled at? Because that’s how you get yelled at.

— David Cameron (@DCameronFG) May 7, 2015

Well, those of us who fiercely, blindly defended Cole now look the fool because he has gotten shelled several times in this young season. Still, though, an ace pitcher doesn't just lose the entirety of his talent, and Cole is still considered an ace by many. Is anyone who considers him an ace the GM of a team with a deep farm system?

Ryan Howard

The Phillies' first baseman has the second highest OPS (.737) on the team. Behind Freddy Galvis, remember. Why is there an All-Star Game again.

And, if you delete the entire season except for his last three games, he is hitting .500 with a double, triple, and home run in 12 AB. If he keeps this up, he'll be lowering in-game run deficits with RBI that are eventually nullified by poor pitching/defense the following inning straight to The Great American Ball Park!

Jeff Francoeur

Backup clean-up hitter Jeff Francoeur is hitting .225 and has no business being on this list. But he has a way of getting his name on many lists where it doesn't belong, for instance any MLB lineup. Ha, ha. You're crazy, Jeff Francoeur.

You and Me

Y'know something? We're all right.

So, one of these guys (not Francoeur, Asche, or Howard), I guess. Or we could all vote for Dom Brown as a joke.