In addition to hacking into other teams' computer systems, the St. Louis Cardinals also apparently train squirrels.
More important than anything that happened by the human beings who were playing baseball at Citizens Bank Park on Friday, were the actions of this glorified rat that ran on the screen behind home plate during the second inning of the Phils' game against the St. Louis Cardinals.
And in what was perhaps a symbolic signal that 2015 was not Chase Utley's year, this monster landed right on top of "The Man."
This isn't the first time the Cardinals have used a squirrel to their advantage against the Phillies. The first time, the stakes were much higher, in Game 4 of the 2011 NLDS, the game that officially signaled the end of the Phils' run of dominance in the National League.
"The Rally Squirrel." Just kill it.
As for the actual game itself, it went pretty much how you would expect it to. After all, the Phillies are essentially fielding a Triple-A roster against the best team in the National League.
Phillippe Aumont, who made his first career start as a fill-in for Cole Hamels in the rotation, showed he doesn't belong in the Majors. In four innings, he threw 104 pitches, 56 strikes and 48 balls. He gave up six runs on five hits with seven walks and three strikeouts.
Aumont's performance was utterly dreadful, one of the worst starts in a season filled with them. Of course, Aumont has always had trouble finding the strike zone, and even though his results in Triple-A had been good this year (2.35 ERA), his 41 walks in 65 innings was a big red flag.
But what else could the Phils do? Bring back Severino Gonzalez? When Cole Hamels let the team know he wouldn't be able to make this start, did they have any other choice? Did you ever think you'd be so desperate to see David Buchanan or Chad Billingsley make their way back so badly?
My heavens, I'd KILL for Kyle Kendrick right now.
Then Justin DeFratus, who Ryne Sandberg has apparently decided is the Phils' new long reliever, pitched two innings of relief, threw 58 pitches, and gave up another six runs on eight hits. His ERA is now at 5.14, and he may be dead now.
The one positive note was the return of Jake Diekman, who pitched a scoreless ninth inning, throwing in the high 90s once again.
Offensively, it didn't really matter. By the fifth inning the Phillies were already down 11-0 and all that was left to do was run out the "out" clock. Ryan Howard padded his stats with a meaningless three-run homer in the bottom of the fifth, his 13th of the year, with RBIs 31, 32 and 33. Cesar Hernandez added an RBI groundout.
But that was it. St. Louis did what they do, which is to hack into our database and steal a win.
No, I know I'm kidding. The Phillies don't have a database.
Ruben, protect your floppys.