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Cole Hamels Cuts His Hair

In an apparent attempt to conform to the standards of beauty and respectability imposed upon him by society, Cole Hamels cut his hair and trimmed his beard prior to a Hamels Foundation charity event.

By Eric Chesterton
Cole Hamels contemplating a haircut
Cole Hamels contemplating a haircut
Bill Streicher-USA TODAY Sports

Last night was unfolding perfectly. The Phillies conveniently had a night off so I could watch the NBA draft without the burden of a guilty conscience. Jay Bilas was hyping Duke players; Jalen Rose was yelling random things; Woj already spoiled the entire lottery. In short, everything was how I dreamed it would be.

Then, the Phillies interjected themselves into my night of joy and blind process-trusting:

Cole Hamels's flowing locks have been a controversial topic for as long as they have existed. Long hair on any baseball player is controversial. Tim Lincecum looks like a stoner with it; Jayson Werth looks like a caveman; Jacob DeGrom's hair has more volume than we thought possible without the intervention of genetic engineering and we hate him for it. The Good Phight does not have many Official Editorial Stances, but, one of those is certainly that Cole Hamels's long hair is good.

Given this Official Editorial Stance, we here at The Good Phight are deeply saddened by the cutting of Hamels's hair. It is unclear how much was cut, but it is concerning that it was enough to attract the notice of observers.

But, this is not all bad. My heart can endure an ill-advised hair cut so long as his beard remained. Fortunately, the beard, although subjected to some routine maintenance procedures, has been preserved:

We are safe from calamity for now, but we all know what a slippery slope cutting one's hair can be. It starts with a snip here and a snap there. Next thing you know, you're sitting at the spa getting your legs waxed. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. I've had my legs shaved multiple times in my life for purely aesthetic reasons--my calves look really fantastic without hair to obscure their definition.

For Cole Hamels though, the long hair and beard was clearly his best look. Our loins told us so each time he stepped onto the mound. Here's hoping he hasn't done anything too rash that ruined that look. I mean, what's more important: the tingling of our collective loins or attracting donations for a charity that provides educational opportunities to inner-city children? I think the answer is obvious.

We'll miss you, Cole Hamels's hair. Hopefully your beard will satisfy our aesthetic desires.

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