Hey, what's going on? We haven't talked for a while. Is all that bad stuff still happening? And not just genuinely bad stuff, but all the mundane little time-wasters that fill the space between bad stuff? Yeah, and then Cole Hamels lost a game. Dark times. Dark times.
After another tough day of eating fiber, sending your money away to vast, earth-swallowing corporations, and pulling your kid's head out of the toilet, what better way to relax then with the soothing Americana of a genuine baseball game. Ah, the warm breeze, smell of barely cooked cuisine, the old - jesus, is that the score?! We're getting killed out there. This isn't even fun. I'd rather my kid go home and put his head back in the toilet than watch this crap.
Well, at least we'll stay for another inning just so we can get some concessions. "Are these wieners locally sourced?" my kid asks, and I slap him on the back of the head. "Of course they're not. They're made out of whatever rodent parts the dog food company didn't want and we're going to eat as many of them as we can."
There's nothing wrong with eating healthy, but let's not lie to ourselves about ballpark food. Let's just lie about whether or not we have kids. I do not. There. Now that's out in the open. But even with concessions being what they are - hell, it's right there in the name, we concede our usual attempts to stay alive by consuming this stuff at a ball game, as if being inside a stadium grants us some kind of immunity - they're still great. There's a famous story in my family (my real family this time) about me on a tour of Veterans Stadium as a child, on a day they were giving out free food at all the stands. So intense was my euphoria I began cramming foil-wrapped hot dogs into my pockets and had a few left over to munch on the way home. I miss being a kid.
The Reading Fightins fully support this sort of thing, and are eager to remind you there's more to baseball than baseball by offering MEGA GLUTTONY NIGHT at FirstEnergy Stadium on this very night.
For $24, get a band slapped on your wrist for permission to stuff your face at any concession stand free of charge until the 7th inning stretch. There's also going to be a buffet set up featuring "barbecued chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers, baked beans, potato salad, tortilla chips, chips, cookies, [and] the area's largest hot dog toppings bar."
In a huge concidence, this is the night of the 15th Annual Chili Festival and 6th Annual Wing Festival which are held [eyes bulge as I read press release] in the stadium?!!? Well you can't tell me that's not on purpose.
Feeling healthy? You won't after you compete in an eating contest in which you have to eat each item from the buffet table, including chili and wings from the twin festivals. Doing so the fastest nets you $500 - the prize leaps to $5,000 if you can complete the entire challenge without breaking eye contact from some whimpering, 19th-century orphans who have gathered just outside the left field gate! [EDITOR'S NOTE: We could not get confirmation about the orphan thing because it's obviously a lie.]
So go check out the Reading Fightins tonight! J.P. Crawford is there, too! Is Aaron Nola pitching? Christ, who cares! Where are my keys?! GET THAT KID'S HEAD OUT OF THE TOILET.